And Don’t Even Get Me Started On Anatomically Correct Batman’s Bathroom Habits

And Don’t Even Get Me Started On Anatomically Correct Batman’s Bathroom Habits


Honestly, guano everywhere.

But of course, Scientifically Accurate Spiderman is an important piece of entertainment, or science, or social commentary, or humor, or satire, or whatever it is. Yes, yes, but never mind that; it would be way, way, better than the original.  I mean, if Peter Parker threw up on Gwen Stacy and tried to eat her, and then his dick fell off, now that would be a story worth tuning in for. As it stands, he’s just some sort of emo escapee from Cirque du Soleil.

Finnish Telepathic Martial Arts

Finnish Telepathic Martial Arts


Finnish telepathic martial arts? Well, that’s what I think it says. My Finnish is a little rusty. The description might have been a recipe for sauteed reindeer flank steak for all I know.

Anyway, this video makes me suspicious. Spider senses tingling, as it were. I think some sort of fraud might very well be going on here. I’m reluctant to say so, though, because the Finns are always winning Biathlon gold medals, and I live near a ski area. I’d like to be able to pass by a window in the winter, so I don’t cast aspersions on Finns I don’t know.

Perhaps there’s just a glitch in the audio portion of the video, and it’s not a fraud. Maybe the fat guy eats nothing but stewed beets, washed down with vodka, and lets one rip whenever the other guy approaches. See? There’s a scientific explanation for most anything, if you’ll just puzzle it out. 

Failure To Launch

Failure To Launch


O, Canada, dum dum dum do do doo … Damn, I can’t remember the words to that dratted song. They played it at all the hockey games, but I always showed up loaded and generally wasn’t paying much attention.

Eh, Canada, we really like your bacon
And those Red Green shows you’re makin’

Drat, that can’t be it, either. I think there’s something about poutine and Tim bits for Thanksgiving dinner on the wrong day, but I can’t remember.

But it’s a country full of Borderline Sociopathic Boys, and the girls who love them. Polite Borderline Sociopathic Boys at that. Rock on, dudes. You got, like, three feet of air that time.

Russia: Now Funkier Than A Polonium Enema

Russia: Now Funkier Than A Polonium Enema


Disbanded Parliament Funkadelic, tovarisch. He causes the Caucases to do the Cakewalk. I count forty-six oblasts having an Oh! blast. Shirtless Putin’s Polka lays on the dynamite like Napoleon. The Urals Shag and the Arals Salsa. Chernobyl was just a sparkler compared to his disco ball. Herds of miniature giraffes do the Funky Chicken in his yard. He’s bad, he’s nationwide. Criminy, the Crimean is doing the Cat Daddy to the sound of his pan flute.

He can’t be reasoned with. He can’t be bargained with. And he absolutely will not stop until you surrender to his one nation under a groove, or expect a blast from his bop gun. Ugh.