You Keep Using That Word. I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means

You Keep Using That Word. I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means

To keep things scientistcally ignant, I prefer to mix my margaritas on the veranda in my finest flip flops while watching NASCAR on my third-string tee vee that I keep next to my Budweiser tool chest. That way I won’t miss a moment of the four-hour race when I go from my living room to my porch. The TV on the porch shouldn’t be confused with the ones I have in the bedroom, kitchen, dining room, den, bathroom, and garage. The one on the porch is much smaller than the others, even the one in the bathroom. Watching NASCAR on a 72-inch screen is the only way I can pinch a loaf anymore.

Although my bathroom habits are about as compelling to talk about as Egyptian economics, I feel like an enormous portion of the population has the same problem. I’ve been watching too much TV again, which has left me with the impression that no one owns a car, but everyone wants to buy a pickup truck, and there isn’t a male human being on the planet who is capable of maintaining a stiffie without choking down enough pills to start a nursing home pharmacy.

Then again, that’s just my take on it, and I’ve been notoriously unperceptive about these things. I tend to drift in and out of watching TV, only glimpsing a few precious minutes every year or so, which should immediately void my opinion. This is also why I shouldn’t be let out unattended, because I’ll start yelling at cars, postal workers, and anyone else insane enough to go outside.

The Evolution of Football Helmets, According To The Time Masheen

The Evolution of Football Helmets, According To The Time Masheen

Remember Idiocracy? It’s a great, incisive movie, and really funny. There’s a sequence in the movie where the characters take a sort-of Disney ride called the Time Masheen, and you get to see what a recitation of historical events would look like if lots of time passed to make things obscure, and only idiots were involved in the production. It’s hilarious to see them portray Charlie Chaplin as the head of the Nazis, being beaten by the UN, called the “un,” who un-nazied the world forever.

In this pleasant and interesting excuse for the ad at the end video about football helmets, the narrator mentioned that World War I paratroopers wore leather helmets. World War I. He didn’t mention if the troops mounted on tyrannosaurs wore them, too. Probably just an oversight.

YOU SHALL NOT PASS

YOU SHALL NOT PASS

Australia: where even the trees want you dead.

I’m sure that you all know about Australia’s reputation for being one of the most dangerous places on earth to live, swim, eat, sleep, drink, or just hang around minding your own business, but it can’t be that bad, can it? There are some places in America that are much more dangerous than Australia for the sole reason that there’s very little chance that you’ll be shot by a kangaroo for your loose change. Naturally they have venomous snakes, spiders, fish, and coral reefs, but the also have a lot of deadly animals that aren’t venomous at all. At least the sharks will simply eat you instead of making you crawl around until your blood turns to goo and your muscles explode. By the same token, I don’t think you can develop an antivenin for having your head bitten off.

If you do live in Australia, I think the best course of action is to stay inside and smash anything that comes through the door with a claw hammer. If you’re quick enough, and hold your fire around the pizza delivery guy, you’ll be fine.

Pro Tip: Buy A Gun, Your Arms Won’t Be As Tired

Pro Tip: Buy A Gun, Your Arms Won’t Be As Tired

While I definitely appreciate three-thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Apollo to Jack Churchill, I’m still hesitant to continue living in the past. Being an archer looks like too much work. I’m too lazy to shoot a regular gun; what makes anyone think that I’d want to use a bow and arrow? I’m so lazy I’d hire other people to go out and shoot for me, if I could. Unfortunately, I don’t have the money, and hiring mercenaries to go to the shooting range for you is a lot more expensive than you’d think. Of course, they go to the shooting range on their own time, but I pay them to chant my name while they do it. I can’t hear them, because I can’t be bothered to go to the range, but it’s nice to know that somewhere, someone is psychotically chanting your name. This is probably how Leonidas felt, without having to put up with the drafty wardrobe.

Regardless of my views on archery, I will admit that Lars Andersen is the best archer I have ever seen. Since the Intertunnel has a sick fetish for archer videos, I have seen a lot of archers in my day. I’m not the president of the archery fan club, but I’m at least on the board of directors. I go to all the meetings. Until that elfy-looking fellow from Lord of the Hunger Games steps up his game and starts shooting down military jets, I think Lars Andersen is definitely the best archer on the Intertunnel.