How To Play Football

How To Play Football

All in all, a pretty good rundown on how to play football. However, they completely glossed over how to freeze the bottoms of your feet off with liquid nitrogen, and then refuse to play unless you’re allowed to wear a defective helmet. There was very little guidance about what to say when your team’s owner goes to the massage parlor. Proper elevator etiquette for running backs didn’t make the cut for topics, either. They skipped right over how to imitate a toddler pitching a fit in the candy aisle after you score a touchdown. I dozed off in the middle, but I’m pretty certain they didn’t even discuss contract holdouts. But at least it’s football, unlike whatever it is they’re playing in the NFL preseason.

A Strong Man, and a Snappy Dresser, Too

A Strong Man, and a Snappy Dresser, Too

Not only is this strong man strong, he’s strong in French. That’s a whole ‘nother level of strong. You’d know that if you ever rode a French subway. Anyway, I’m sort of on the fence about the stripper sandals and the leather diaper/culottes. I have in my time, however, broken many a wine bottle, so I love this guy’s act. Of course I break my booze bottles when they’re still half full when I reach for them for my eighth cocktail, but the idea isĀ  the same. In the same vein, I haven’t had four men stand on me while I lie on a bed of nails, but I did once sleep on a pull out couch with that metal bar in the middle, and my wife had her arm across my neck when I woke up. It’s pretty much the same thing. I’m looking forward to this guy’s next video, when he picks up a thrown newspaper without emitting a loud oof sound when he bends over. That’s a man’s man.

All Hail the Bullitt Car Chase Scene

All Hail the Bullitt Car Chase Scene

I think male human beings are required by both law and custom to watch the Bullitt car chase at least once in each calendar year, or risk revocation of their man card. Of course you don’t have to watch the whole movie. I can’t even remember what the movie’s about. For all I know, the guys in the Mopar jalopy are Jehovah’s Witnesses, trying to catch up to Bullitt to give him a pamphlet. Who cares? Steve McQueen has his tactical turtleneck on, and his fastback tuned up. Guy movies don’t need plots. They need shootouts and car chases and campfire scenes. This movie has all three, if you count the explosion at the end as a campfire.

One Banana, Two Banana, Three Banana, Banzai!

One Banana, Two Banana, Three Banana, Banzai!

I don’t know, man. After the, how shall we say it, unpleasantness back in the 1940s, we decided that Japan shouldn’t be so militaristic. We encouraged them to make Speed Racer cartoons instead of replacements for the Musashi. We assured them that if they limited themselves to singing karaoke versions of Sinatra songs, and making transistor radios to play them on, we’d make ICBMs and point some of them over their heads to the scary people to their west. Now I see we’ve gone too far.

This video is a ceremony to commemorate the founding of the Japanese Air Defence Force, and these are air defense pilots. And to a man, I’ll bet they’d rather be on the receiving end of another nuclear attack than have to participate in another of these Banana Splits skits.