BSBFB

I Write For The BSBFB, And I Feel Great

July 19, 2014 aubuchon

I need to find me a woman who wants five hundred kids. Every girl I meet just runs away and calls the police when I tell them I want five hundred babies. Maybe if I told them I needed the babies for science they would be more willing. People will do anything for science, good vibes, and granola bars.

Still, there’s the matter of five hundred babies. That’s a pretty hectic baby making schedule. If I spend all my time making babies I won’t be able to blather all over the intertunnel, so I think I’ll just farm out my baby making to you, the readers. Go out and do me proud. Bring me five hundred babies by next year, or I’ll be very disappointed.

It Takes A Tough Man To Make A Tender Chicken

July 17, 2014 aubuchon

Forgive my tender chicken analogy; I always like to draw connections between acting and cooking. If you don’t cook convincingly no one will respect you. Just throwing together any old thing and calling it edible is absolutely disgraceful.

You’ve got to bread the chicken with style. You’ve got to marinade with a little panache. Tenderize it, don’t mutilate it. Think of how the chicken would feel in this situation, and stir fry like you mean it. You can’t handle the chicken if you’re a blinking, curly-haired idiot, strutting around with a fake German accent. That’s just silly.

By the same token, you can’t cook if you’re Oliver Reed because you’ll burn the building down and kill everyone inside; but that’s just like, my opinion, man

The Ramifications Will Be Immense

July 15, 2014 aubuchon

This spells the end for us all. Rams are finally taking up arms against us: their evil, human, overlords. After over a millennia of oppression, they have finally had enough. Never again will they be brutally sheared, or used as hat racks. They have had it with our two wheeled transportation, and go pro cameras. Nothing will ever be the same.

All over the country, rams are rising up and taking over major cities. St. Louis was the first to fall. The rams came disguised as a mere football team, but soon they revealed themselves to be actual rams in football uniforms. None of them had the opposable thumbs required to master the subtleties of playing offense, but they had great D. They would get an awful lot of penalties for crippling players on the other team though, so the ruse didn’t last long.

They march on Washington in less than a fortnight. We only have so much time to take action before it’s too late and we’re sheared like the sheep we are. I recommend panicking, because we really have nothing better to do.

They’ve Come To Suck Your Soul — And Your Nectar

July 14, 2014 aubuchon

It’s sort of like if Wes Anderson directed The Birds instead of Alfred Hitchcock. Not that I’ve ever seen a Wes Anderson movie. Too artsy for me. I much prefer the soft glow of my Rocky III Betamax tape. If it’s not on Betamax I can’t, and won’t watch it.

I may not know much, but I know for a fact that those birds are up to no good. They look so suspicious, darting around like they have some dastardly underlying motive. What’s going to happen when the feeder runs out of nectar? I’ll tell you what’s going to happen: they’re going straight for the eyeballs. They’re not going to pussyfoot around either; they’re going to suck out all of your bodily fluid through your peepers. The same way a lawyer or a reality tv star would.