BSBFB

On The Whole, I’d Rather Be In Philadelphia

July 12, 2014 aubuchon

I’m sure that Cleveland is a nice city. Peel away the grime and there’s probably a nice coffee shop or something. Even Detroit would make for a pretty nice flaming hole in the ground if you peel away all the Detroit parts. Los Angeles would make a wonderful desert, and Boston would be a great swamp. You just have to dig deep enough to find the bits that you like.

It’s like when you pick up a drifter. At first it’s hard to get past his open sores, oozing scabs, and obvious lack of oral hygiene, but what really matters is deep down. You’re only picking him up to harvest his organs, so what does the exterior matter anyways.

What we have to do is find the organs of the city, and get to harvesting them. Take all the cool shops, businesses, and houses, and leave all the methadone clinics, 7-Elevens, and public restrooms. Dismember the useless bits and sweep them off to where no one will find them — just like the drifter.

Clown College Dropouts Have To Work Too

July 11, 2014 aubuchon

This video hits rather close to home for me. I too know the sting of being a clown college dropout. All of my old habits linger with me. I still wear my big floppy shoes wherever I go. Every morning I put on my big red nose and rainbow wig just so I can remember the good old days. I like to go to the park on weekends, and terrorize children just like I used to. Except no one would call the cops when I was a clown.

Everything Is Terrible, Nothing Will Ever Be Okay

July 9, 2014 aubuchon

The 80’s were a confusing time. I’m not even sure that it really happened. Scientists have uncovered fossil evidence linked to our civilization during that period, but nothing conclusive enough to prove that the 1980’s actually happened. They found: remnants of Members Only jackets, jazzercise tapes, Keytars, box after box of Baby on Board stickers, New Wave music, an inordinate amount of hairspray, and the stagnant husk of Jimmy Carter; but no solid proof.

I guess the 80’s should remain hazy. Based on everything we found we weren’t doing anything productive, let alone worth remembering. I suppose we’ve collectively agreed to wipe the 80’s from our memory. And maybe that’s for the best. All that’s left is this dating cassette tape, and way too many hair metal bands.

A Boy And His Dog — Meet A Girl And Her Eel

July 8, 2014 aubuchon

Never trust an eel. I know we’re all human; we waive to temptation sometimes. Just never, ever, trust an eel.

Imagine you’re out scuba diving, and you bump into a polite, spiffy looking eel. At first the conversation is a bit awkward, but you eventually warm up to each other. The eel stares meaningfully into your eyes and compares them to the vibrant hues of a coral reef, or whatever it is eels are into. He begins whispering sweet nothings into your ear, and reading you French poetry from a small book he carries around in his eel pocket. He promises you he’s not like other eels. He claims to be a perfect gentleman, and you believe him. As he whisks you away to his undersea lair you start to relax, and begin to think that maybe eels aren’t all bad after all. Then before you can say, “Oh dear God, he’s eating my kidneys!” you’re missing several vital organs.

So remain vigilant, my friends. One day you’ll meet a nice girl with a nice eel who doesn’t want to devour your organs, but until that day comes — get a dog.