Walking On Water Is So Passé, I Prefer To Bike

Walking On Water Is So Passé, I Prefer To Bike

The hydrofoil bicycle: for when your regular hydrofoil is in the shop, and you still want to cruise into town to pick up chicks. They won’t be particularly interested, considering you’re still on a bicycle, but at least you’ll look cool while doing it. If we lived in an alternate universe where wetsuits and life-vests looked cool, what I just said would be true. But, to the relief of everyone on Earth, wearing a wetsuit still makes you look like a massive dork.

The bike is pretty nifty though. Cheating the laws of physics has always been an acceptable pursuit and I would recommend it to anyone who’s interested. Personally, I’d much prefer a yacht filled to the brim with Ice cold Zima and scantily clad women, but that’s just like, my opinion, man.

Mr. Teh Tarik The Thai Tea Toater

Mr. Teh Tarik The Thai Tea Toater

I know what you’re all thinking. “Why is that man hurling my tea around? I ordered that fifteen minutes ago. Someone tell him to stop; I don’t speak Thai. I should have just ordered a coffee, or gone to the Dunkin’ Donuts a block over. Someone’s not getting tipped.” Now try to calm yourself, this is a very common response.

If you look closely you’ll see that this man is doing a lot more than just molesting tea. He’s creating art. You’ll notice that they’ve laid some newspaper down over the back of the store to catch any loose tea. You’ll also notice that there appears to be a lot of loose tea flying around. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’d call this guy the Jackson Pollock of tea hurling. What an inspiration.

On the other hand, I’ll just have a glass of water if it’s all the same to you.

Nature Hates You

Nature Hates You

It feels nice to be safe at home huddled up behind the warm glow of my computer monitor. It feels even nicer knowing that most insects in my neighborhood can’t kill me. But they can try, and oh how they will try.

When you go outside every single thing you encounter wants to crack open your head and feast on the goo inside. Cats, dogs, mice, bats, rats, and politicians all want to swallow you whole. You’re safe during election season, but watch yourself after that. Insects on the other hand, want to grind your bones into putty and use it to fill the cracks in their tile. They want to fill up a kiddie pool with human entrails and dance around in it. Nothing is more reprehensible than an insect. Arachnids hate insects almost as much as we do, but they’re compelled only by their lust for blood. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

They Came From David Bowie’s Planet

They Came From David Bowie’s Planet

I’m really not sure what I’m looking at. I don’t know whether to laugh, or quake in fear. Do they come in peace? Should I take them to my leader? Beats me. All I know is that they fixed a Zeppelin tune, so they can’t be that bad. Their flame-headed hovering is quite charming, so as long as they don’t try anything involving probes we should be fine.

Very similar to probing is the dulcimer. Both are equally unpleasant, but at least you can play Zeppelin on one of them. Now that I think of it that’s not really a plus either.

[A big thank you to borderline sociopath Charles Schneider for submitting the second video]