It’s sort of like if Wes Anderson directed The Birds instead of Alfred Hitchcock. Not that I’ve ever seen a Wes Anderson movie. Too artsy for me. I much prefer the soft glow of my Rocky III Betamax tape. If it’s not on Betamax I can’t, and won’t watch it.

I may not know much, but I know for a fact that those birds are up to no good. They look so suspicious, darting around like they have some dastardly underlying motive. What’s going to happen when the feeder runs out of nectar? I’ll tell you what’s going to happen: they’re going straight for the eyeballs. They’re not going to pussyfoot around either; they’re going to suck out all of your bodily fluid through your peepers. The same way a lawyer or a reality tv star would.