BSBFB

I Ain’t Even Mad

July 24, 2014 aubuchon

They’ve done it again, and I ain’t even mad. After this long you’d think that nothing coming out of Japan would surprise me; but this did. I’m not only surprised, I am impressed. I have no idea what’s happening, I am appalled by everything, and I want to vomit. The vomiting may just be incidental, considering I ate a twelve pack of foot-long Slim Jims for dinner, and washed it down with a fifteen year old bottle of Crystal Pepsi.

But my deplorable eating habits are not the issue here. The issue is whether we dropped too many A-bombs on Japan, or not nearly enough. At the moment, I’m leaning toward too many. I think the radiation did something weird to their national psyche to make them want to publicly broadcast this drivel. Or, perhaps I’m just a stick in the mud and need to get with the times.

It’s like, 2010, I think; I need to loosen up. I’m pretty sure Clinton is still president, but I’d need to check.

This Guy Is Nothing But Treble

July 22, 2014 aubuchon

Who the heck brought Bartók back from the dead. Why couldn’t you bring back someone chill, like Debussy or Puccini? Enough of that Hungarian twaddle. If I wanted to have my head held underwater while being brutally bludgeoned, I’d go listen to some Dvorak; I don’t need it here.

I came here to party, and the party is a lie. There is no party here, only angry eastern Europeans and Russians. Now, I’m not disputing a Russian’s ability to party, I’m just saying that it’s not my sort of party. That’s a lot of party. Anyways, the Russian is not the issue here. The issue here, is that we have a surplus of atonal composers, and not nearly enough Ace Of Base. The world needs more Ace Of Base.

We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Pooper Scooper

July 21, 2014 aubuchon

This video makes me very uncomfortable. All I can think about is what it would feel like to have 150 slobbering dogs all try to jump on me and eat my face off. Well, not really eat my face off, more like lick it off, but you get what I’m saying. That’s scary. It doesn’t matter how big and fluffy a dog is, it still wants to crush you with it’s love. When there’s that many of them you’re gonna get pulverized by their love.

If they were cats at least you’d just have 150 shin-high, slinky, furballs who all feel completely indifferent to you. They might all gang up and try to feast on your bone marrow, but I can’t really blame them — my bone marrow is delicious.

BEEP BEEP, GET OUT OF THE WAY TOVARICH

July 20, 2014 aubuchon

Not one, not two, but three crashes in a 40 second period. You need to get out of bed pretty early in the morning to do that much damage. Your schedule would be pretty hectic. Get up in the morning and immediately go out and hurl yourself into traffic. Then after lunch crash at least one car into a tree or pedestrian. Then before you go to bed, make sure to set up spike strips all up and down your street. That’s how they get things done in the Eastern Bloc.

What this footage didn’t show was the twelve car pileup that eventually disabled the dashcam. Then they all drove off a cliff like lemmings, because it’s a lot safer than driving in Russia.