Why Can’t He Just Let Hulk Smash? All Hulk Wanted To Do Was Smash.

Why Can’t He Just Let Hulk Smash? All Hulk Wanted To Do Was Smash.

Superman is such a cheater.

Sorry, let me rephrase that. Superman is a big fat sissy cheater, a candy-assed momma’s boy, and he’s as boring as shop class is for girls.

Before you grab your Intertunnel pitchforks, let me explain. Superman flies. Whoopty. Amelia Earhart flew around, too. We all know how that turned out.  He’s buzzing around all day like a hummingbird or something, wearing his underwear on the outside, which is an appropriate look if you’re Madonna, I guess, but I like my superheroes a bit more on the masculine side. Don’t get me wrong, Madonna goes to the gym and can kick Aquaman’s ass, but Superman has “super” right in his name. He’s  got to be held to a higher standard, don’t you think?

He’s just a very lazily designed superhero. Superman can’t be destroyed by anything, and he has a list of superpowers that goes on for about ten years, and all he can do is help old ladies cross the road, and he can’t even get Lois Lane in the rack. Lame-O. I’ll bet Jimmy Olsen pulls more broads than Superman.

I like the Hulk. He seems like the kind of dude that could snake out your drain when it’s backed up. He’d take one end of your couch when you were moving. He’d pull the end off, but it’s the thought that counts. Hulk would have a barbecue and invite you over, and you’d stand around eating seared flesh, drinking beer, talking about chicks and breaking lawn chairs.

Superman would have Martha Stewart place settings and  put arugula on tofu burgers. Case closed. HULK SMASH!

BRO DOUCHE HULK SMASH

BRO DOUCHE HULK SMASH

Many people have told me that there is something wrong with this fine fellow, but I would have to disagree. There is not one single aspect that seems off to me. He gave his little speech, pointed into the crowd dramatically, and was shirtless the whole time. What possibly could be wrong with that? He was quoting Rocky for poop’s sake, there wasn’t anything out of the ordinary going on. He’s not strangling puppies by the dozen and feasting on the goo inside. You people need to take a good hard look at yourselves before you criticize this dear fellow. He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a red bull.

I think we could all learn a little something from our dear musclebound friend. I mean, he said it best; to directly quote him:

“GWHEA GWHEA GWHEA GWHEA GWHEA GWHEA GHWEARGHHHHHhhh.”

 What an inspiration.

Friends Don’t Let Friends Sign Each Other Up For Belgian So You Think You Can Dance

Friends Don’t Let Friends Sign Each Other Up For Belgian So You Think You Can Dance

It’s just basic bro-code etiquette. No dating your friend’s girl until at least six weeks after they stopped hooking up. No inviting uncool dudes, parents, or politicians to your keggers. No leaving bros out of your ultimate frisbee games in favor of other bros. No bro may wear more than five popped collars at once, unless in combination with a backwards visor or baseball cap. And above all, no signing other bros up for Belgian So You Think You Can Dance.

It’s just plain wrong.

Redneck Sprinkler 2014

Redneck Sprinkler 2014

[Warning: very salty language]

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[Many thanks to the indispensable Leon for sending this one along]