Now That’s What I Call Thinking On Your Feet

Now That’s What I Call Thinking On Your Feet

I’m beginning to think that there’s something massively wrong with Russia and everyone in it. Every single video coming out of Russia has someone getting set on fire, exploding, falling off of a building, wrecking their car, getting beaten, being chased by animals, getting stabbed, or worse — doing parkour.

I really can’t stand parkour. Watching parkour is a vivisection of the soul. It’s like going to an elementary school recorder concert that your kid isn’t in. It’s like having to sit through Bartok and pretend to like it. Every time I see a video with the little Cyrillic letters at the top I have a panic attack. This is why both Napoleon and Hitler invaded Russia. They just wanted them to stop doing so much damn parkour. There are things in life other than parkour, you lanky weirdos.

I’ll give Russia some credit — at least they’re not Japan.

[Many thanks to the indispensable Charles Schneider for sending this one along]

How To Shatter Your Hip Like A Boss

How To Shatter Your Hip Like A Boss

The dude can take a hit, I’ll give him that much. I can’t quite tell if he’s talking like that because he’s being sarcastic, or his lungs have collapsed. There’s probably a cootie-ridden girl somewhere off screen he’s trying to impress, but he can’t fool me. That hurt. That hurt like watching your grandma try to use a computer.

He hit the ground hard enough to shatter the pelvis of any normal man. He’s a teenager, so he can get away with that sort of thing, but he shouldn’t push his luck. In another five years he might as well be a geriatric. If he pulls another move like that his spine will vacate his body and find a nice adoptive family who’ll treat it better. Until then he’ll make the best of his teenage tard-strength, by hurling himself off of things and looking sullen. God help us all if he forms a band and starts writing songs about his feelings.

Kids these days.

Hey Fellas, Hold My Boдka And Watch This

Hey Fellas, Hold My Boдka And Watch This

Too much vodka and not enough crushing capitalism. If it was sixty years ago in the USSR they’d all be sent off to Siberia to mine coal out of the frozen tundra using a tin spoon.

If it was sixty years ago in America I’d be driving around in a Cadillac the size of Delaware. I’d be wearing a chrome suit, because Eisenhower is president and I’ll do whatever I damn well want. I’d be in love with a girl named Barbara, and we’d go out for milk shakes on the weekends. Afterwards, I’d drive my four-wheeled luxury cruise liner to a nice secluded spot and we’d listen to Miles Davis on the radio. After an hour or so she’ll ask me to take her home, because my girl isn’t into any funny business and that’s just the way I like it.

But if you wanted some free cabbages with your daily bread and all that free healthcare, yowza, did the Soviets have that covered.

How To Lose Friends And Frighten Acquaintances

How To Lose Friends And Frighten Acquaintances

It’s absolutely staggering to think that my entire life has led up to this moment. I was born, raised, beaten, schooled, fed, and beaten again, all so I could eventually grow up and find this singular video. How extraordinary. I don’t know why I watched it. I don’t know why I feel compelled to write about it. I only know that I wasted fifteen seconds of my life on this drivel, so I’m going to make the best of it.