Too much vodka and not enough crushing capitalism. If it was sixty years ago in the USSR they’d all be sent off to Siberia to mine coal out of the frozen tundra using a tin spoon.

If it was sixty years ago in America I’d be driving around in a Cadillac the size of Delaware. I’d be wearing a chrome suit, because Eisenhower is president and I’ll do whatever I damn well want. I’d be in love with a girl named Barbara, and we’d go out for milk shakes on the weekends. Afterwards, I’d drive my four-wheeled luxury cruise liner to a nice secluded spot and we’d listen to Miles Davis on the radio. After an hour or so she’ll ask me to take her home, because my girl isn’t into any funny business and that’s just the way I like it.

But if you wanted some free cabbages with your daily bread and all that free healthcare, yowza, did the Soviets have that covered.