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Category: hold my vodak and watch this

If You Were a Real Man, You’d Dive Into a Pool in the End

If You Were a Real Man, You’d Dive Into a Pool in the End

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Please, this is child’s play. What you really need to do is build one of these on a 100-yard bowling lane. This will all make sense in a second. Next, bring a bowling ball onto the ride; as a bonus, you’ll have more weight for your momentum. When you go over the top of the swing, don’t stop. Keep swinging yourself for a few minutes to gain some speed. Finally, when you’re at Mach 5 and spinning like there’s no tomorrow, let go of the bowling ball and roll a strike.

That’s how I do it. But I’d have to leave the house and go outside, so forget it.

COME AT ME TOVARISH

COME AT ME TOVARISH

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Sixteen-bit music makes everything better. You could have the soundtrack for this video playing at a funeral and it would make it into a party. Not that funerals aren’t already parties. I only attend funerals of people I don’t like. My wife wears a low-cut red mini dress, and I bring noisemakers and confetti. If you’re not the life of the funeral, you’re doing it wrong.

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m going to use a 16-bit soundtrack to liven up all of my otherwise boring daily activities. I’ll have a soundtrack for when I chase down and assault the joggers who go by my house. For when the mailman finds the surprise I left him in the mailbox. In the unlikely event that I find a job, I’ll have a great soundtrack for shredding important documents and disrupting meetings with roundhouse kicks to the dork at the whiteboard.

And remember: Never give up! Never surrender! And never stop smoking!

Remind Me Again. Who Won the Cold War?

Remind Me Again. Who Won the Cold War?

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So this Siberian nutjob made a log cabin sauna on top of the Soviet version of a Jeep Wagoneer. Then he picked up a load of pallet lumber and stripp… er, I mean “showgirls.” Then he drives around while they thrash each other with birch branches and giggle.

You know, we went to the moon, cured polio, tamed rivers, put big chrome fins on cars, and otherwise bestrode the world like a colossus. We weren’t losers, exactly, but it’s dawning on me that we may have suffered from misplaced priorities. Why sweat a few Chernobyls and famines along the way, if the road leads to a log cabin steambath paradise?