Nazis: the only unequivocally evil force that I’m allowed to make fun of without anyone getting all pissy. I can deride Nazis in any fashion that I like, for as long as I like, and no one will think any less of me. It’s wonderful because you don’t have to justify hating Nazis, you can simply hate them because they’re Nazis. Hating Nazis is so universally accepted that there’s an incalculable number of movies, video games, and TV shows dedicated to mercilessly taking the piss out of Nazis. Here are a couple notable examples:
Why justify hating Nazis when you can fight the rising tides of national socialism by watching Australian public access television, which seems to be light-years ahead of anything we have in the US.
I think I’ve illustrated my point — whatever that might be.
(Warning: the author says a bad word in the article and he’s very, very sorry. He would like to apologize to his mother directly: Sorry, Mom.)
I know this has probably been said before, but when the most exciting thing people can think of is driving around in an oval for about three hours, then there might be a bigger problems afoot than the nation going soft. Yes, an enormous portion of the population has gone a bit soft with their gluten-free, vegan-safe, non-dairy cupcakes that don’t cast a shadow and sucks carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that NASCAR is mind-numbingly boring.
Before an angry mob of NASCAR fans arrive at my house wielding pitchforks and foam fingers, I should probably explain what I meant by mind-numbingly boring. What I mean is that NASCAR is like watching paint dry with your eyes closed. It’s like watching grass grow if your grass grew particularly slowly. NASCAR is, subjectively, on par with soccer — neither hold my interest for longer than a few agonizing seconds, and they both fill me with regret for the rest of the day because I’ll never get those seconds back.
Then again, I don’t think NASCAR, or anyone who watches NASCAR, really gives a flying fart what I think on the matter. Partially because I talk like a fag and my shit’s all retarded, but mostly because I’m not their target audience; I am a culture vulture. I pick apart the corpses of discarded movies and TV shows looking for jokes to steal and that’s about it it. I don’t buy anything, I skip all of the advertising, and I don’t watch tee vee in general. I’m no use to the National Association of Stock Car Auto Racing, but I’ll still talk about their video because the whole ordeal gives me a bit of a giggle. I think racing is about as exciting as euthanizing a loved one, but that doesn’t mean other people can’t enjoy it.
Racing is a noble sport with enthusiastic fans, and it gets a lot of grief from people I don’t particularly care for, so it gets two thumbs up from me. Just don’t ask me to watch any of it, because I’ll gnaw my legs off by the end of the third lap. NASCAR shouldn’t feel bad though, pretty much everything on NBC makes me want to commit ritualistic suicide after a few minutes of watching.
Ah, the Japanese: what won’t they do? I’ve seen a lot of strange things come out of Japan since they emerged from the primordial Intertunnel goo, but this is by far the most sane Japanese video I have ever seen. Other than the psycho babbling over the whole thing, it’s thoroughly wholesome. There aren’t any maids being assaulted by octopuses, there’s no intense body horror, and everyone is dressed appropriately. Everything is thoroughly aboveboard — and that bothers me.
This video is good, clean, sensible fun, and I wish it wasn’t. Where are the midget sumo wrestlers? Where are all the disturbingly realistic body pillows? Where have they put all the lingerie-wearing anthropomorphic farm animals? What happened to the Japan we all know and love? After watching a YouTube video from Japan, we shouldn’t have to question their lack of tentacle porn and frightening animatronics. The only thing we should ask ourselves is whether we bombed them too much — or not enough.
While I’m sure we’d all like to take a minute to appreciate the subtleties of conch on conch warfare, I think that it’s a bit silly to use terms like: quickly, in a flash, and overrun. It’s bad enough the show is called World’s Deadliest when they’re talking about conchs, so let’s not kid ourselves. I’ve passed kidney stones faster than those mollusks were moving. I’ve seen riots that were resolved faster than that fight. If they were moving any slower, the Earth would have been able to complete a full rotation around that Sun before they caught each other.
What’s more alarming than the show’s blatant lack of understanding for the word quick, is their insistence on featuring plants, animals, and fauna that are not very deadly, or quick, or scary, or intimidating in any way. The next video on this playlist is Sudden Death Cuttlefish, which is an absolutely pathetic attempt to make cuttlefish sound like flesh-consuming hyper-killers. They’re called cuttlefish for poop’s sake, which is about two consonants away from being a cuddlefish.
I really miss the days when National Geographic had shows that were long looks into interesting animals and locations around the world. Now they’re all borderline snuff-films about whatever they could buy from the local aquarium for 30 bucks and a half-pack of menthol cigarettes.