… I won’t say a hero, ’cause, what’s a hero? But sometimes, there’s a man. And I’m talkin’ about the dude who can back up his truck with a busted transmission. Sometimes, there’s a man, well, he’s the man for his time and place. He fits right in there. And that’s the Dude, in his Nissan Pathfinder. And even if he’s a lazy man — and the Dude was most certainly that. Quite possibly the laziest to own a Nissan Pathfinder, which would place him high in the runnin’ for laziest worldwide. But sometimes there’s a man, sometimes, there’s a man. Aw. I lost my train of thought here. But — aw, hell. I’ve done introduced him enough.
(Many thanks to our dear friend Charles Schneider for sending this one our way)
This Is Not Normandy, This Is Bowling, There Are Rules
I love bowling — but I inversely despise everything to do with bowling.
I don’t like wearing diseased, hand-me-down shoes every time I want to throw a ten pound ball at the ground, but I quite like the way bowling shoes look. They have a garish, retro vibe and I’d probably wear a repurposed pair around town. They’re like saddle shoes for psychopaths.
I’m not really a fan of bowling alleys in general, but they’re kind of necessary for the whole bowling experience. Any old idiot can stand in their backyard and throw big rocks at small children, but you can only bowl in a bowling alley. I’d say the smell is really what sets an alley apart from everywhere else. Depending on how close you are to the attendants, the whole place usually reeks of feet, cigarettes, and sadness. Sometimes, if there’s a nice fellow behind the counter with a bachelor’s degree in eastern philosophy, dreadlocks, and more tribal tattoos than he can count, you’ll detect a slightly stronger, skunkier aroma, but it’s nothing I’d be too worried about. God help you if the place serves food, because that throws the smell into a whole new dimension. When you enter the alley you’re greeted by the smell of burned corn dogs, french fries, and philosophy majors.
Overall, there are worse things to do with your time, but I don’t go out of my way to bowl anymore. I find that it’s a lot cheaper to sit in my kitchen and drop medicine balls on my feet instead of going out and catching something nasty from the cashier.
First we invented the wheel. Then a bunch of stuff happened and we decided to drop everything and go to the Moon. Naturally, there were some important bits in-between the wheel and the Moon landing, but it’s all inconsequential. Two major events with a bunch of stuff in-between is how humans function. We like to look at the big picture instead of mucking about with all the details.
Here’s another example: first we discovered that beating your neighbors to death with a rock is much more efficient that using your bare hands, and then we invented ballistic missiles. Again, there was some folderol in-between, but who’s interested in that stuff? What are you some kind of nerd? Beer and missiles are the only human inventions that matter. If it doesn’t have something to do with missiles or beer-pouring robots, I don’t want to hear about it.
“But, Charlie…” you might say,
“What about penicillin, the compass, irrigation — Zima? Aren’t those major achievements as well?”
First of all, I don’t know where you’re getting these ludicrous ideas, but it’s got to stop. None of those things involve missiles in any way, shape, or form, so I’d prefer it if you never mention them in my company again. Implying that penicillin is on the same level as Zima is absolutely shameful.
2007 was a good year — Diet Coke Plus ravaged the intestinal lining of soda drinkers around the world, Bulgaria and Romania joined the European Union, much to the dismay of the rest of the EU who thought that it was a much nicer neighborhood before half of the former Soviet bloc showed up, and this video was made. While this video being made might not seem like much of a notable event, I assure you that it might be one of the most important videos you’ll see today.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a good hard look at what 8 years ago was like, this is perfect. People where crushing their Barbra Streisand 8-tracks instead of selling them on Ebay, a big mac still resembled food, and you could actually get your hands on a disposable camera. I never thought I’d see the day when I reminisced about 2007 of all times. I was much shorter at the time, and I mean much shorter. I’m sure that for many of you 2007 was a year like any other, but it was rather special for me, because it was the last time I really was a kid. Over the course of a year I went from having the brain of a child to an 80-year-old man, and I’ve been aging backwards since then.
Learn to appreciate the time that you’ve had and the good times you will have. Someday you might find yourself wondering where all the disposable cameras and Barbra Streisand 8-tracks went. Well, you’ll soon discover we’ve crushed them all and thrown them all in the trash where they belong, but you can’t let hat hold you back. Stop living in the past, man. At least we don’t have to worry about Diet Coke Plus anymore.