I’ve Seen Enough Terminator To Know Where This Is Going

I’ve Seen Enough Terminator To Know Where This Is Going


Did they even watch the movies? Jeesh, it’s like they’re begging to be enslaved by quadrupeds. I mean, look at that thing. It’s 50 percent indestructible future-metal, 50 percent Arnold Swartzenegger fever dream, and 100 percent terrifying. A few brave souls tried to knock it over, but it can’t be stopped. I imagine that they were eviscerated as soon as the cameras stopped rolling, because the T-K9000 has no time for dissidents.

I don’t think our little robot friend is capable of bringing on the end of the world as we know it, but it’s getting a bit too close for comfort. If I ever see one of these running down my street I’m going to shoot first, and shoot again later just to be sure. I don’t know what it would be doing on my street in the first place, which is even more of  a reason to shoot it on sight. The darn thing is obviously up to no good.

As soon as someone figures out that you can mount laser cannons to this thing and use it as a robot attack dog humanity is finished. Spot many only be about 3 percent as vicious as the average pitbull, but a pitbull won’t silently stalk you for hours before killing you and stealing your clothes. It might only have a battery life of ten minutes, but don’t worry — Spot’s programmed to play Arnold saying “I’ll be back.” on a loop until he fully recharges.

I Know I Shouldn’t Be Laughing, But…

I Know I Shouldn’t Be Laughing, But…


… Slayer fits in with the Radio Disney vibe a bit too well. Yes, I’m well aware that they’re unsubtly singing about Josef Mengele while trying to be as metal as humanly possible, but a beard and leather pants don’t magically make you hardcore. I wouldn’t be the slightest bit surprised if they’ve guest-starred on an episode of Mickey Mouse’s Play House at one point or another. Maybe I’d think differently if the music was back to normal, but I’m not really sure at this point.

I think my Metal-o-meter is broken or something. I don’t even think I know what metal is anymore. Perhaps if we tried a different band they’d fair better.

Nope, that didn’t help. Without the context offered by the music everything seems a bit silly. I mean, the song is immeasurably improved, but it’s still not quite my cup of tea. Everyone seems to be taking themselves a bit too seriously. There’s no camp, no theatrics, and they don’t seem to be in on the joke. We’ve got to roll back the clock and roll up the hard-rockin’. Music shouldn’t be as fun as a trip to the morgue; It can be so much sillier.

That’s much better.

It’s also important to note that metal can be used for good as well. If anything get’s disgustingly poppy, you can always bring it down a few pegs with some nice blast beats. The outfits don’t change very much, and they’re all wearing the same shade of eyeliner, but at least metal makes Culture Club sort of listenable.

I’m Just Getting Kinda TO’d Because She Hasn’t Even Sent Me A Full Body Shot Yet

I’m Just Getting Kinda TO’d Because She Hasn’t Even Sent Me A Full Body Shot Yet


Dating is a tricky, dangerous business. Tricky because it’s more sophisticated and difficult that Chinese calculus, and dangerous because women are usually involved. Guys act really weird when trying to attract the attention of the opposite gender. Take this video for example: those guys are trying everything they can think of to look appealing when they’d be much better off sitting completely still for three minutes and staring into the camera. From that footage alone a woman can tell if they want you or not. Trust me, saying anything will significantly reduce your chances of actually finding anyone.

When I go out on a date or I’m trying to flirt with someone, I usually only say about four words: hi, bye, and check, please. If she asks me any questions I either nod or grunt to answer. I’m told that I’m a very good listener. Every once in a while our eyes meet, but even then I don’t say anything, or smile, or give any indication of how I’m feeling. These simple methods have worked supremely well for me — none of my dates have ever called me back for another date.

I think I might have the wrong attitude for dating, but I like eating at restaurants and I don’t like to go alone. Normally, I’d just hire working girls to go out to dinner with me, but there are tons of women who will eat with you for free.

Still Not As Cool As Lasers

Still Not As Cool As Lasers


I want laser guns and I want them now. None of this railgun crap. I want something that goes pew pew pew, and I want it good and hard. How am I supposed to pew pew pew with a railgun? Pro tip: I can’t. What were they thinking? What could possibly compel them to make anything that doesn’t involve lasers weapons of some sort. It doesn’t even have to be a laser gun, it can be a laser sword, or a laser baseball bat, or a laser blender, or a laser dinette set; you know, as long as it has laser in the name.

The darn thing doesn’t even go ping when you’re done shooting everyone. Yes, it has a really nice boom, but we have a lot of cannons that we barely use that can make a quality boom. The only way you could sell me on railgun weaponry is if it involved missiles. From all outward appearances, the darn thing has no missiles, no lasers, and it doesn’t even go ping. I am thoroughly disappointed.

It’s all about that ping.