Still Not As Cool As Lasers

Still Not As Cool As Lasers

I want laser guns and I want them now. None of this railgun crap. I want something that goes pew pew pew, and I want it good and hard. How am I supposed to pew pew pew with a railgun? Pro tip: I can’t. What were they thinking? What could possibly compel them to make anything that doesn’t involve lasers weapons of some sort. It doesn’t even have to be a laser gun, it can be a laser sword, or a laser baseball bat, or a laser blender, or a laser dinette set; you know, as long as it has laser in the name.

The darn thing doesn’t even go ping when you’re done shooting everyone. Yes, it has a really nice boom, but we have a lot of cannons that we barely use that can make a quality boom. The only way you could sell me on railgun weaponry is if it involved missiles. From all outward appearances, the darn thing has no missiles, no lasers, and it doesn’t even go ping. I am thoroughly disappointed.

It’s all about that ping.

4 thoughts on “Still Not As Cool As Lasers

  1. The dude who mentions “flux capacitor” should not be allowed near a light switch, let alone a rail gun. Who let him into the building? Maybe he could host a kids’ show in primary color overalls (until TMZ starts following him around) or a pay-per-view adult channel in a smoking jacket, but, dang, I’m gonna have to spend the rest of the day trying to un-see him. Oh, and by the way, I want one.

  2. The ping is a satisfying sound. But mass times velocity is the stock and trade of the ballistics nerd. Wait till you see the hole a railgun leaves! You will believe.

    Makes me almost feel like the mortar is a caveman’s tool. Almost, I say, because mortars may lob bombs high and slow, but sometimes slow has a satisfying something about it. Like brewing hops, or cruising in a lowrider.

  3. Hi Johnny, thanks for reading and commenting.

    I imagine that they made him pinky swear that he wouldn’t touch anything before they let him into the building. Personally, I wouldn’t let him within fifty miles of a picture of a railgun; his crazy eyes are way too disconcerting.

  4. Hello Casey, thanks for reading and commenting.

    There is a certain efficiency that comes from doing things very quickly, but slower is better if you want to get some enjoyment out of it. While it might make me a hipster to some, I still firmly believe in bludgeoning your enemies with a heavy stick. It’s both slow and disturbingly satisfying. Being able to hit a fly on the side of a submarine at 150 nautical miles is all well and good, but it ain’t got any soul.

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