NASCAR: Because Only Communists Turn Right

NASCAR: Because Only Communists Turn Right

(Warning: the author says a bad word in the article and he’s very, very sorry. He would like to apologize to his mother directly: Sorry, Mom.)

I know this has probably been said before, but when the most exciting thing people can think of is driving around in an oval for about three hours, then there might be a bigger problems afoot than the nation going soft. Yes, an enormous portion of the population has gone a bit soft with their gluten-free, vegan-safe, non-dairy cupcakes that don’t cast a shadow and sucks carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that NASCAR is mind-numbingly boring.

Before an angry mob of NASCAR fans arrive at my house wielding pitchforks and foam fingers, I should probably explain what I meant by mind-numbingly boring. What I mean is that NASCAR is like watching paint dry with your eyes closed. It’s like watching grass grow if your grass grew particularly slowly. NASCAR is, subjectively, on par with soccer — neither hold my interest for longer than a few agonizing seconds, and they both fill me with regret for the rest of the day because I’ll never get those seconds back.

Then again, I don’t think NASCAR, or anyone who watches NASCAR, really gives a flying fart what I think on the matter. Partially because I talk like a fag and my shit’s all retarded, but mostly because I’m not their target audience; I am a culture vulture. I pick apart the corpses of discarded movies and TV shows looking for jokes to steal and that’s about it it. I don’t buy anything, I skip all of the advertising, and I don’t watch tee vee in general. I’m no use to the National Association of Stock Car Auto Racing, but I’ll still talk about their video because the whole ordeal gives me a bit of a giggle. I think racing is about as exciting as euthanizing a loved one, but that doesn’t mean other people can’t enjoy it.

Racing is a noble sport with enthusiastic fans, and it gets a lot of grief from people I don’t particularly care for, so it gets two thumbs up from me. Just don’t ask me to watch any of it, because I’ll gnaw my legs off by the end of the third lap. NASCAR shouldn’t feel bad though, pretty much everything on NBC makes me want to commit ritualistic suicide after a few minutes of watching.

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