Who Are You People And What Are You Woahing At?

Who Are You People And What Are You Woahing At?

I’ll be the first to admit that I have no idea who any of these bands are. I don’t know if they’re famous, I don’t know any of their songs, and I don’t even know if they actually exist. Perhaps they’re all fabricated for the sake of this video, I really wouldn’t know. In some of the clips there are entire stadiums filled with people all singing along to each woah oh oh, but I’m still completely at a loss for who any of these people are.

Am I really that out of touch? I haven’t listened to the radio since Clinton was president, but that shouldn’t come into it — It’s not like they play music on the radio anymore, anyhow. I knew that my taste in music was pretty underground, but I didn’t know It was so far underground that it’s housed somewhere between China and the Earth’s mantle. It’s not like I’m only listening to post-post-indie-rock-core either. I don’t sit in my room with the shades drawn listening to wax Edison records of Gregorian chanting from the Sistine Chapel Lounge. Hell, there’s a lot of woah oh oh and shadoobie doobie doo in the songs that I listen to, I just seem to have missed a memo or something with all of these newish bands.

Maybe if I hide they’ll all go away and I can finally go outside again. If it works for debt collectors and census takers, it’ll probably work on these guys too.

Meanwhile, In Australia

Meanwhile, In Australia

A lot of people, including myself, have said that Australia is one of the only places on Earth where everything from the marmots to the millipedes are actively trying to kill you. While this is true, I don’t think it’s necessarily fair. Yes, the ocean is filled with man-eating sharks and poisonous coral that will give you a seizure if you look at it funny. Yes, the badlands are full of venomous snakes and tarantulas the size of your fist. Yes, the trees will try to harpoon you as you walk by, the birds will try to peck out your eyeballs, and even the Koalas will tear you a new one if you get too friendly, but this doesn’t prove that Australia is the deadliest place on Earth. All that it proves is that Australians can kill themselves with anything.

The only reason we know so much about all the deadly plants and animals scattered over the Australian Outback is because of all the dead Australians. We know that their waters are filled with man-eating sharks because they thought it was a brilliant idea to swim with the darn things. I guess no one’s had the heart to tell them we already knew the sharks were deadly and they didn’t need to prove it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve very fond of Australians. Their accents make me giggle and their women are a mix between Baywatch and the big book of British smiles. I’m worried about them more than anything. My dear friends in Australia wouldn’t know that you couldn’t inhale water unless they tried it first. If you have any Australian friends please keep them away from aquariums, zoos, and anywhere else that might house dangerous animals they haven’t seen before. If you can’t keep them out of the zoo, make sure to keep them away from the tiger enclosure — they might get the overwhelming urge to run up and stick their thumb up a tiger’s butt to see if it’ll get mad.

(Many thanks to our good friend Charles Schneider for sending this one our way)

Gordon Ramsay Has Officially Lost His Marbles

Gordon Ramsay Has Officially Lost His Marbles

I don’t know what sent him careening over the edge, but there’s no turning back now. Years of trying to fix restaurants full of ugly customers and even uglier waitstaff has finally taken its toll. Not only has he started destroying fast-food, he seems to have started destroying everything. I mean, take a look at this:

Wait a second, that’s not Gordon Ramsay — that’s just some guy who’s fond of eggs molesting food and anything else he can get his hands on. Yes, Gordon Ramsay does the same thing, but at least he has a TV show. That gives him at least some air of legitimacy. This fellow just crushes everything — which is precisely why I’d much rather watch How To Basic instead of anything Ramsay’s put his name on. Gordon’s gone too far from his roots. His shows aren’t about yelling and smashing plates anymore; they’re all about cooking, which is the last thing we all want to see. We want to see more of this:

Take off your pants, crush everything, and film it. That is how we roll.

I Can Haz Ritalin?

I Can Haz Ritalin?

Cats are completely out of their minds in the most wonderful way. They’re one of the only animals in the world that can have hours of fun with a paper bag without pooping everywhere and making a huge mess. Cats are very shy about their poop, which is a plus if you’re not into finding giant, sloppy turds in the middle of the rug every other day.

Think about it, dogs act like marvelous idiots all the time, but they either wind up hurting themselves, pooping everywhere, or vomiting. I like dogs as much as the next guy, but they’re way too much work. Cats on the other hand are entirely self-contained. They can bounce off the walls without hurting themselves all the time and the worst they’ll do is pee in your potted plants. Yes, there’s always the off chance that they’ll try to smother you in your sleep or gouge your eyes out, but it’s better than carrying around a bag full of poop. I’m a man, not a wastebasket

So if you’re fond of having a furry, dangerously dimwitted friend roaming the house, consider buying a cat — or you could ask your parents for a little brother.