Cats are completely out of their minds in the most wonderful way. They’re one of the only animals in the world that can have hours of fun with a paper bag without pooping everywhere and making a huge mess. Cats are very shy about their poop, which is a plus if you’re not into finding giant, sloppy turds in the middle of the rug every other day.

Think about it, dogs act like marvelous idiots all the time, but they either wind up hurting themselves, pooping everywhere, or vomiting. I like dogs as much as the next guy, but they’re way too much work. Cats on the other hand are entirely self-contained. They can bounce off the walls without hurting themselves all the time and the worst they’ll do is pee in your potted plants. Yes, there’s always the off chance that they’ll try to smother you in your sleep or gouge your eyes out, but it’s better than carrying around a bag full of poop. I’m a man, not a wastebasket

So if you’re fond of having a furry, dangerously dimwitted friend roaming the house, consider buying a cat — or you could ask your parents for a little brother.