If he was any more underground he’d come out in China. I don’t think they’re hiring any philosophy majors just now, what with all the tariffs and all, so he’d be out of luck there too. Still, he has the mad skills that qualify you to be a barista. But making 15 yuan an hour isn’t as great as it sounds. He’d be better off turning his coolness meter down and switching to a more mainstream instrument, like the viola, or a glockenspiel. His life would get better, but of course our lives would be diminished. Perfection shouldn’t be tinkered with.
I’m not knocking his style though, it takes a real man to appear in public looking and acting like that. Do you suppose that someday, in the unlikely event that he procreates, someone will kidnap his daughter, and he’ll pick up the phone and say, “I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you’re looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you on a unicycle. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will play the accordion.”
Cats are completely out of their minds in the most wonderful way. They’re one of the only animals in the world that can have hours of fun with a paper bag without pooping everywhere and making a huge mess. Cats are very shy about their poop, which is a plus if you’re not into finding giant, sloppy turds in the middle of the rug every other day.
Think about it, dogs act like marvelous idiots all the time, but they either wind up hurting themselves, pooping everywhere, or vomiting. I like dogs as much as the next guy, but they’re way too much work. Cats on the other hand are entirely self-contained. They can bounce off the walls without hurting themselves all the time and the worst they’ll do is pee in your potted plants. Yes, there’s always the off chance that they’ll try to smother you in your sleep or gouge your eyes out, but it’s better than carrying around a bag full of poop. I’m a man, not a wastebasket
So if you’re fond of having a furry, dangerously dimwitted friend roaming the house, consider buying a cat — or you could ask your parents for a little brother.
We May Have Discovered The Earliest Video Recording Of Hipsters
Are these the first real recorded instances of hipsters in the wild?
Lessee; they’re riding “fixie” bikes. That’s strike one. Check out the ironic facial hair. They might not have thought that their facial hair was ironic. It might just be ironic. That’s so meta. That’s strike two and strike three. They’re doing pointless stunts on their fixies while being filmed. That’s strike four. The second guy with the slouchy hat is obviously a big fan of medical marijuana. And medical laudanum. And homeopathic opium. A bit of chloral hydrate, too, no doubt, but that was probably just recreational. There’s strike five. He probably washed it all down with absinthe. Strike six. The third dude adumbrates the parking of bicycles by attaching them to every object affixed to the ground in an urban area. Strike seven. Then they all got together to jump rope with a bicycle, taking up an area equivalent to an entire city park, discommoding everyone else but themselves.