If he was any more underground he’d come out in China. I don’t think they’re hiring any philosophy majors just now, what with all the tariffs and all, so he’d be out of luck there too. Still, he has the mad skills that qualify you to be a barista. But making 15 yuan an hour isn’t as great as it sounds. He’d be better off turning his coolness meter down and switching to a more mainstream instrument, like the viola, or a glockenspiel. His life would get better, but of course our lives would be diminished. Perfection shouldn’t be tinkered with.

I’m not knocking his style though, it takes a real man to appear in public looking and acting like that. Do you suppose that someday, in the unlikely event that he procreates, someone will kidnap his daughter, and he’ll pick up the phone and say, “I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you’re looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you on a unicycle. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will play the accordion.”