I know I said large cheese pizza in the title, but if you order a pizza without any toppings there’s something deeply wrong with you. You’re a complete killjoy, party-pooper, stick-in-the-mud, or perhaps you’re an android who’s can’t feel human emotion. Pizza without toppings is just a really poor attempt at making a sad lasagna. You need to throw in a few pepperonis at the very least. A pizza can be a cornucopia of delicious meats, veggies, and other treats stacked on top of a cheesy base, but it rarely comes out that way. Most people disregard the toppings and that’s a crime against food and nature. The only way it could get any worse is if the pizza was gluten free.
You can get really creative with your pizza toppings. Have you ever had a Hawaiian pizza? It’s like being punched in the mouth by an angel. Unusual and exotic combinations make for fantastic results. I know people who put ranch dressing on their pizza, but they’ve completely lost their minds. The real trick is to put other food on pizza instead of just slathering it with more liquified goop. Add on a few layers of bacon, or maybe a few steaks. Dump a salad on top and see where that gets you. Hell, at some point in my life I will probably make a pizza that has a corner-store rotisserie chicken as a topping. Not slices of chicken — the whole thing. There’s a good chance that I’ll be incredibly, incredibly drunk, but that’s where all the best inspiration comes from.
In the end, that’s what pizza is all about: inspiration. If you can think of it, you can probably put it on a pizza. Don’t settle for second-rate pizzas with lame toppings. Demand absurd, monstrous pizzas, because this is America. If we stop putting weird crap on our pizzas, the terrorists win.
Coincidentally, Metal In Inappropriate Places Is The Name Of My Wham! Tribute Band
I’m unsure if there’s an appropriate place for metal after you’ve been kicked out of mom’s basement. There’s a 0 percent chance of you actually playing in front of real people, or girls for that matter, so you have no shot at finding a venue. If you were able to play music for girls you wouldn’t be in this predicament in the first place, because metal would be the last thing on your mind. You’d have a warm couch to sleep on at the very least. And it’s not that you couldn’t find a venue if you really wanted to. I’ve just noticed the majority of metal heads tend to have absolutely terrible stage fright, life fright, and general fright. All the posturing in the world won’t make up for the moment when you step onstage, stare into the audience, and projectile poop yourself into another dimension.
Then again, wearing a sturdy diaper can usually counteract any on-stage defecation issues — unless that’s part of your act. In which case, poop everywhere and see where that gets you. At least you’ll be known as that guy who ripped off his pants and dumped all over the stage instead of that guy who plays a guitar that sounds like a chainsaw that needs a tuneup.
I know many musicians sell their soul to the Devil in exchange for fame and fortune, but this guy really takes it to the next level. He doesn’t appear to want fame, fortune, or anything else worth having for that matter. He evidently doesn’t want good looks, and he certainly didn’t wish for less body hair, so what does he want? I’d ask Satan to weigh in on the question, but he no longer answers my calls. His secretary puts me on hold, and I have to listen to Highway To Hell on a loop until I give up and douse my phone in holy water to get it to stop.
If I had to guess, I suspect this fellow is trying to melt faces with his blistering speed, like the last scene in Raiders of The Lost Ark, only with fewer Nazis and more potted plants.
Now that’s what I call mucus — er — music. Whisky Coca Cola is the best thing to happen to popular music since Elvis discovered that teenage girls are really into guys who play the guitar and sing. I can’t wait to see Whisky Coca Cola performed live at Coachella and Lollapalooza. These guys are going to bring the proverbial house down and steal all the ashtrays. The only thing left for them to play after that is the Superbowl halftime show, but they aren’t nearly washed up enough to play there. You have to be at least ten years past your prime and you can’t be any good to begin with.
This band is in the perfect position. If at least one member dies in a mysterious gardening accident they’ll be on the top of the charts in no time.