A lot of people, including myself, have said that Australia is one of the only places on Earth where everything from the marmots to the millipedes are actively trying to kill you. While this is true, I don’t think it’s necessarily fair. Yes, the ocean is filled with man-eating sharks and poisonous coral that will give you a seizure if you look at it funny. Yes, the badlands are full of venomous snakes and tarantulas the size of your fist. Yes, the trees will try to harpoon you as you walk by, the birds will try to peck out your eyeballs, and even the Koalas will tear you a new one if you get too friendly, but this doesn’t prove that Australia is the deadliest place on Earth. All that it proves is that Australians can kill themselves with anything.

The only reason we know so much about all the deadly plants and animals scattered over the Australian Outback is because of all the dead Australians. We know that their waters are filled with man-eating sharks because they thought it was a brilliant idea to swim with the darn things. I guess no one’s had the heart to tell them we already knew the sharks were deadly and they didn’t need to prove it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve very fond of Australians. Their accents make me giggle and their women are a mix between Baywatch and the big book of British smiles. I’m worried about them more than anything. My dear friends in Australia wouldn’t know that you couldn’t inhale water unless they tried it first. If you have any Australian friends please keep them away from aquariums, zoos, and anywhere else that might house dangerous animals they haven’t seen before. If you can’t keep them out of the zoo, make sure to keep them away from the tiger enclosure — they might get the overwhelming urge to run up and stick their thumb up a tiger’s butt to see if it’ll get mad.

(Many thanks to our good friend Charles Schneider for sending this one our way)