I Don’t Know What This Is, But I Want Ten Of Them

I Don’t Know What This Is, But I Want Ten Of Them

Before you judge someone you must walk a mile in their shoes. I don’t think I need to get up off my seat to judge his questionable clothing. His shoes aren’t the problem, which might come as a surprise to some savvy readers who noticed that I started off with the shoe line; it’s everything else. The pants, the hat, and the lack of a shirt have me both intrigued and terrified.

I want an Archwood Flextrek 37,000,000,000,000 Whipsnake more than I want to see the sun rise every morning, but I’m really on the fence about the rest of the outfit. I’m no outdoorsman, but I think pants and a shirt of some sort are prerequisites for wandering around the wilderness. This isn’t Nam, there are rules. Le Crevasse isn’t cutting it, buddy. If I wanted to watch a bunch of pale men wander around aimlessly while murmuring to themselves about their awesome fanny packs, I’d hang out with the press pool during the presidential primaries.

What It Was, Was Football

What It Was, Was Football

I’ve always wondered what football players were saying on the sidelines in between bouts of smacking their heads together and rolling around on the ground. I assume that what they actually say is no less absurd and incomprehensible than what the video shows. If they were all good public speakers, and could coherently string sentences together, there’s a good chance they wouldn’t be professional football players. They’d be off doing something infinitely more productive and making infinitely less money. As with most things in life, it pays to receive catastrophic daily head trauma.

Wet ‘N Wild Rostov: Under New Management…

Wet ‘N Wild Rostov: Under New Management…

… and proud to announce the fewest on-ride fatalities to date.

You can always rely on the Russians to show up on a slow day to supercharge everything with their bizarre antics. All things considered, this one is a bit tame compared the their usual shenanigans; nothing is on fire, and no one sustains any serious injuries. Don’t worry, everyone is loaded, so it doesn’t stray too far from the standard recipe for Russian viral videos.

If you’re not familiar with the standard recipe for Russian viral videos, you should be ashamed of yourself. Any self-respecting Internaut should know it by now. Take at least three Russians; add 12 servings of vodka per person; let them sit in a cold room for about an hour, so they can marinate thoroughly; then release them into the world and film the rest. Garnish with construction equipment if you feel like he mixture needs more pizazz.

There are some variations on the standard recipe that include high explosives and farm animals, but you aren’t guaranteed as many views if someone dies. Also, if you can’t get your hands on any genuine Russians, go down to the corner store and see if they have any Eastern Europeans. While they might have a slightly different consistency than genuine Russians, four out of five redditors can’t tell the difference.

On the other hand, if you tell a Russian that he’s no different than an Eastern European he’s not going to be happy. He’s going to be so unhappy that you might find yourself in the center of a Russian viral video.

They’re Very Musical People, Aren’t They?

They’re Very Musical People, Aren’t They?

Storage facility owners, that is — I’m not sure what you thought I was referring to. Don’t look at me like that, you know it’s just a joke. I know no one’s laughing, but it was worth a shot. I’d classify it as dead on arrival, but someone might have caught what I was pitching and chuckled.

You see, in the modern world of telling bad jokes on the Intertunnel, it’s hard to tell what will get a giggle out of people, and what will get the SWAT team sent to your house. I try to land somewhere in the region of getting disapproving looks from across the dinner table. Any further than that and someone might give me a stern talking to, which is the last thing I want. The trick is to be so vague and incomprehensible that no one actually knows if you’ve said anything bad or not.

If all else fails, just tell everyone that you were trying to start a commentary on the current political climate. That line works regardless of what the current political climate actually is, Think of it as a get out of jail free card for being a twerp on the Intertunnel. I’m the foremost twerp on the Intertunnel, so it’s a good idea to take my advice to heart.