Never Eat Anything Bigger Than Your Head

Never Eat Anything Bigger Than Your Head

I had a girlfriend with cheek pouches that extended all the way to her hips like a hamster’s — as you can imagine she didn’t appreciate it when I’d try to climb in, so she could carry me around in her massive pouches. She also didn’t like it when I referred to her cheeks as massive pouches. She got quite mad when I used the word massive to describe any part of her. This is probably why I started the sentence with I had a girlfriend. All I wanted to do was ride around in her pouches like a baby kangaroo; is that too hard to understand?

Ladies, your massive cheeks pouches aren’t something that you need to hide or be ashamed of. Hideous deformities that are vaguely useful should be praised and cherished. Even if you’ve got a horse face, trucker arms, and a ridiculous haircut there’s still some hope — you can probably get a prime-time TV show on NBC.

I’ve Seen Enough Japanese Food Network To Know Where This Is Going

I’ve Seen Enough Japanese Food Network To Know Where This Is Going

This ad isn’t very effective. Ads are designed to give the user the overwhelming feeling that they need a product, item, or pickup truck. After watching this, all that I want is 100 Japanese maids. I don’t even know why I’d need them, or what I’d do with them, but I want them anyways.

I don’t even know what they’re trying to sell in the first place. Probably some kind of Downton Abbey starter kit, but with more tentacles. Regardless of what they’re selling, I don’t particularly want any. On the other hand, I don’t think I could go another day without a fleet of Japanese maids at my disposal. I hope that they can do more than just make pancakes. What if I want French toast, or an omelette?

If they only made pancakes I’d be very disappointed. Having 100 Japanese maids that can only make a single pancake is like having a Lamborghini that you can only drive around in your garage. This isn’t a problem for someone with a huge garage, but you’ll die from carbon monoxide poisoning eventually — the same could be said for pancakes.

How To Catch Swedish Fish

How To Catch Swedish Fish

I’m actually quite relieved to finally see a new video from Sweden, I was under the impression that the entire country exploded, or sunk into the center of the Earth, or something.

I get worried when I don’t see at least one stupid video from a country for a week or so. A while ago there was a big viral-video drought in the United States, and I was sure the entire country was going to be flung into space if somebody didn’t get a million views on something stupid. The only thing that saved us was security footage of a rogue SUV careening into an enclosure full of rabid monkeys with full-blown AIDs at the San Diego Zoo. After that baby hit a million views we were back on track, and our existence was reaffirmed.

God help us all when Russia finally runs out of viral videos. That would be an event so massive it would affect the Earth’s gravitational pull, which would render us all significantly lighter, but it’s very hard to breath when you’ve been flung into deep space.

(Many thanks to our favorite Borderline Sociopath Leon for sending this along)

I Find Your Lack Of Sail — Refreshing

I Find Your Lack Of Sail — Refreshing

I don’t trust anyone who says they like snow. It’s nothing personal, I just think that they’re defective human beings. Anyone with an affinity for something that will cause your smaller extremities to turn purple and fall off after prolonged exposure should be committed. Don’t get me wrong, I like watching movies with snow in them, and videos where snow is peppering the backdrop. I simply don’t like being within 500 miles of anywhere that’s had snowfall in the past century, which is an immense problem when you live in northern New England.

Someday I’ll move somewhere with less snow, but I’m snowed in right now, so I can’t move very far past my front door. This might be affecting my opinion slightly.