I had a girlfriend with cheek pouches that extended all the way to her hips like a hamster’s — as you can imagine she didn’t appreciate it when I’d try to climb in, so she could carry me around in her massive pouches. She also didn’t like it when I referred to her cheeks as massive pouches. She got quite mad when I used the word massive to describe any part of her. This is probably why I started the sentence with I had a girlfriend. All I wanted to do was ride around in her pouches like a baby kangaroo; is that too hard to understand?

Ladies, your massive cheeks pouches aren’t something that you need to hide or be ashamed of. Hideous deformities that are vaguely useful should be praised and cherished. Even if you’ve got a horse face, trucker arms, and a ridiculous haircut there’s still some hope — you can probably get a prime-time TV show on NBC.