Wet ‘N Wild Rostov: Under New Management…

Wet ‘N Wild Rostov: Under New Management…

… and proud to announce the fewest on-ride fatalities to date.

You can always rely on the Russians to show up on a slow day to supercharge everything with their bizarre antics. All things considered, this one is a bit tame compared the their usual shenanigans; nothing is on fire, and no one sustains any serious injuries. Don’t worry, everyone is loaded, so it doesn’t stray too far from the standard recipe for Russian viral videos.

If you’re not familiar with the standard recipe for Russian viral videos, you should be ashamed of yourself. Any self-respecting Internaut should know it by now. Take at least three Russians; add 12 servings of vodka per person; let them sit in a cold room for about an hour, so they can marinate thoroughly; then release them into the world and film the rest. Garnish with construction equipment if you feel like he mixture needs more pizazz.

There are some variations on the standard recipe that include high explosives and farm animals, but you aren’t guaranteed as many views if someone dies. Also, if you can’t get your hands on any genuine Russians, go down to the corner store and see if they have any Eastern Europeans. While they might have a slightly different consistency than genuine Russians, four out of five redditors can’t tell the difference.

On the other hand, if you tell a Russian that he’s no different than an Eastern European he’s not going to be happy. He’s going to be so unhappy that you might find yourself in the center of a Russian viral video.

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