I Wouldn’t Say It’s In Action, Bob.

I Wouldn’t Say It’s In Action, Bob.


The ocean is a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, doused in mystery. Many people like to claim that we know more about the surface of the Moon than the depths of our oceans, but I can’t be bothered to verify if that’s true. Naturally, the Moon is a lot easier to photograph, but I think there’s a better reason why me have more information about the Moon’s surface than the sea floor.

For the most part, the sea floor is incredibly dull. Once you’ve seen one mile of barren sand, you’ve seen it all. There’s one funny-looking octopus every 100 hectares and that’s about it. Sunken pirate vessels are hard to come by, so no one bothers looking. The Moon, on the other hand, is vaguely interesting and full of Moon rocks. We haven’t found any crashed space pirates yet, but we’re working on it. If we could photograph the ocean floor from a satellite we would, but it’s hard to cut though several miles of ocean, just so you can take pictures of sand.

Plus, we know there’s no life on the Moon, because it doesn’t have any sort of atmosphere worth mentioning. The ocean is a different story. The ocean is frigging scary. You never know what sort of deranged creepy-crawlies you’ll find at challenger depth. No one wants to descend into the darkness just so they have a 10 percent chance of seeing a fish, a 89 percent chance of seeing nothing, and a one percent chance of waking Cthulhu from his eternal slumber.

Don’t be that guy who goes around unleashing unspeakable cosmic horrors. That guy doesn’t get invited to parties.

I Noticed That I Happen To Be Considerably Less British Than You, So We’ll Call It Even

I Noticed That I Happen To Be Considerably Less British Than You, So We’ll Call It Even


Well, he’s got me beat. I never have more than 50 dollars in the safe at any time so hitting me up for cash is definitely disappointing. I did earn a considerable amount of money when I was very young, but it’s all gone now. I spent it all on ludicrously expensive gummi worms imported from the gummi mines of São Paulo, which is known for their quality gummis. I’ll admit that I’m strangely attracted to the word gummi, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m one cheap dinner date away from going broke. When I gaze long into my wallet the wallet also gazes into me. If Nietzsche knew that 125 years later a lowly cretin would butcher his line with such glee I don’t think he would have bothered writing it down — or maybe he would have cheered up a bit. Existentialists take themselves so seriously for some reason. If he ever looked in the mirror and saw his righteous mustache I think he would have lightened up a little.

Back to the material world: my wallet is an abyss to reckon with. Even if I put a couple dollars in it the money would disappear faster than I could ever get around to spending it. I don’t ever buy anything, so I guess there isn’t a problem, but I’d like to have option. I like to politely decline. It’s a lot more satisfying to say that you won’t do something instead of saying that you can’t. I’d rather have the money and decline to spend it instead of having no money and not spending it anyways. The difference is subtle, but it makes a world of difference.

Still Better Than Arby’s

Still Better Than Arby’s


The hamburger is one of the greatest inventions in the history of ever. It combines the power of the ham with the delightful taste of the burger to make a unique dish. You can eat hamburgers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as you don’t mind pooping pure awesomeness — and blood. People who try to alter the fundamental form of the hamburger by adding vegetables or removing the ham part entirely, are completely out of their minds. It’s called a hamburger for a reason. A pizza without cheese and dough is just tomato sauce on a cardboard cutout. A Twinkie without nuclear-waste filling is just the worst diet shortcake in existence. A hamburger without ham is the most depressing sandwich imaginable. If you want to add vegetables to it you’re going against the way god and nature intended, and you should be shunned by polite society.

A hamburger is a big slice of meat, covered in cheese, and dipped in bacon. If you’re feeling really adventurous you can try adding ketchup, but I wouldn’t bother. Any condiments take away from the taste of pure manliness. If you want a vegetarian option, you’re out of luck. We only serve meat here. We’d get rid of the buns and sandwich the patty between two slightly larger patties if it didn’t cause contact blood clots.

I Don’t Know What To Say Anymore

I Don’t Know What To Say Anymore


The commies have officially broken me. I don’t know how I’m going to live with myself after this. There’s too much going on for me to even describe how I feel. It’s like the Hindenburg all over again. Oh, the humanity! Saying this is the worst thing I’ve ever witnessed is an understatement. I’d avert my eyes, but the images have been burned into my retinas. I don’t know what’s happening, I don’t want to know, and I hope no one will ever tell me.

If the video wasn’t recorded using a potato running at one frame per hour, then I might have had a shot at actually figuring out what’s going on. Even then I don’t think I’d have any real chance. Too much has gone wrong in the world. We’ve gone past the point of no return. It’s only downhill from here. My confusion is palpable. Why is that man being run over by a half track? Why does he have a torch? Why did he set that half track on fire? Why did that flaming man decide to take a nap? Please send help, I need an adult.