Italians Covering A German Car With Chinese Gift Wrap

Italians Covering A German Car With Chinese Gift Wrap


No matter how old you are, matchbox cars never go out of style. Whether you’re a little kid dipping them in wet sand, or an adult covering them with wrapping paper there are a million ways to customize your hot wheels. Even if you should know better.

While it’s an indisputable fact that the 2003 Ford Escape is the greatest automobile ever made, some people seem to have latched onto the idea that the Volksenegger Golf is anything more than a Burberry-soaked, chav-wagon. It’s driven by the sort of people who hang around parking lots after dark, so they can meet up with other Golf owners and murmur about their cheap body kits. I’m not just basing this on something I read on the Intertunnel, either. I’ve got cold, hard proof. I know three people in real life who own Volkswiffle Golfs, and they’re all tremendous arseholes. I know that all generalizations are false, but if you dive a Volkskraken Golf I’m going to avoid you at parties and say mean things about you when you leave the room.

Oh yeah, and they also did a really good job wrapping the car, or whatever.

The Greatest Island — In The World

The Greatest Island — In The World


Jeremy Clarkson is a British institution. In my humble opinion, he’s on the same level as the Queen and Jack the Ripper. He’s as important to British culture as fish and chips and the Union Jack. The only English TV personality that even comes close to him is Stephen Fry, but he is a bit too posh for our tastes. And he drives around in a London taxi instead of a Maserati, so there’s that too.

Mr. Clarkson is the exact type of man-child that we appreciate over here at the BSBFB headquarters. He’s reckless, bold, brash, and painfully unhip. He dresses like your dad if your dad was completely blind and mildly demented. He likes loud, fast cars, explosions, and loud, fast women. He’s living the life we all would if we could, and it’s great fun to watch. I don’t know if I’d call him a hero, but he’s pretty darn close.

If the English had any sense they’d erect big brass statues of Jeremy Clarkson all over the countryside to honor his achievements. Hosting Top Gear for a million-and-a-half years has got to be worth a medal or two at the very least. He’s one of the greatest TV presenters — in the world.

Jackass: Pripyat Edition

Jackass: Pripyat Edition


Remember kids, don’t try this at home — or do. If you have a bulletproof helmet that needs testing, then go for it. I won’t stop you. I’m not your real dad.

This ain’t Sesame Street; we’re adults here. If you want to shoot your friend in the head, that’s your business. Just make sure that your friend doesn’t mind being shot in the face and you should be fine. It’s especially helpful if he doesn’t die immediately after being shot in the head, because that would make it slightly illegal in some places. I don’t know what the laws are like in Russia, so he might get a pass, but if you’re in the US of A be very careful when shooting your friends in the face.

I won’t tell you what to do, but I do advise taking some cautionary measures. Make sure that the bulletproof helmet is actually bulletproof before testing it on yourself. While that might take some of the fun out of the testing process, it will significantly improve your chance of living long enough to see your helmet go into production. Also, make sure that your friend knows what he’s shooting at. If you’re testing a helmet one day and body armor the next, make sure you get everything straightened out beforehand. Nothing ruins a bulletproof helmet test like being shot in the stomach.

You Mix A Hell Of A Caucasian, Джеки

You Mix A Hell Of A Caucasian, Джеки


I don’t drink. It’s not because I don’t want to; I’m not allowed to. I’ll get around to it eventually. However, If I did drink, I have a feeling I’d have a Танк Бар every night to take the edge off. I’d have one with dinner and I’d have one before bed. When I went out to eat I’d ask the waiter to bring me a helmet, a shovel, a keg, and a fire extinguisher so I could have a Танк Бар with my meal. At family gatherings I’d have my grandmother smash colorful drinks over my head while shouting at me in Russian, so I could have the proper Танк Бар experience. The Танк Бар will be my drink of choice even though that’s probably not what it’s called.

I can’t think of a better way to drink. Now you don’t have to drunkenly fight the surly looking fellow at the end of the bar to get a concussion. Just ask the bartender and he’ll do it for you. It’s important to remember that the blows to the head enrich the drinking experience, and bring out hidden flavors in the alcohol. Now you can really taste the vodka.