The hamburger is one of the greatest inventions in the history of ever. It combines the power of the ham with the delightful taste of the burger to make a unique dish. You can eat hamburgers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as you don’t mind pooping pure awesomeness — and blood. People who try to alter the fundamental form of the hamburger by adding vegetables or removing the ham part entirely, are completely out of their minds. It’s called a hamburger for a reason. A pizza without cheese and dough is just tomato sauce on a cardboard cutout. A Twinkie without nuclear-waste filling is just the worst diet shortcake in existence. A hamburger without ham is the most depressing sandwich imaginable. If you want to add vegetables to it you’re going against the way god and nature intended, and you should be shunned by polite society.

A hamburger is a big slice of meat, covered in cheese, and dipped in bacon. If you’re feeling really adventurous you can try adding ketchup, but I wouldn’t bother. Any condiments take away from the taste of pure manliness. If you want a vegetarian option, you’re out of luck. We only serve meat here. We’d get rid of the buns and sandwich the patty between two slightly larger patties if it didn’t cause contact blood clots.