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Category: wtf

McSweeney-Kwon-Do

McSweeney-Kwon-Do

Paul needs to find himself a better job. It’s not exactly thankless work, but I’m sure the money isn’t nearly enough for a man with such a high caliber mustache. I mean, just look at that thing. He could be using that amazing facial growth to fight crime on the streets of Miami, or to pick up chicks at a REO Speedwagon concert. Never again should he have to be the butt of a Total Self Defense video. Paul must turn that butt around, and kick it like there’s no tomorrow.

I have high hopes for Paul, let’s hope he doesn’t blow his new found mustache power on porn and daytime television.

I Ain’t Even Mad

I Ain’t Even Mad

They’ve done it again, and I ain’t even mad. After this long you’d think that nothing coming out of Japan would surprise me; but this did. I’m not only surprised, I am impressed. I have no idea what’s happening, I am appalled by everything, and I want to vomit. The vomiting may just be incidental, considering I ate a twelve pack of foot-long Slim Jims for dinner, and washed it down with a fifteen year old bottle of Crystal Pepsi.

But my deplorable eating habits are not the issue here. The issue is whether we dropped too many A-bombs on Japan, or not nearly enough. At the moment, I’m leaning toward too many. I think the radiation did something weird to their national psyche to make them want to publicly broadcast this drivel. Or, perhaps I’m just a stick in the mud and need to get with the times.

It’s like, 2010, I think; I need to loosen up. I’m pretty sure Clinton is still president, but I’d need to check.

This Guy Is Nothing But Treble

This Guy Is Nothing But Treble

Who the heck brought Bartók back from the dead. Why couldn’t you bring back someone chill, like Debussy or Puccini? Enough of that Hungarian twaddle. If I wanted to have my head held underwater while being brutally bludgeoned, I’d go listen to some Dvorak; I don’t need it here.

I came here to party, and the party is a lie. There is no party here, only angry eastern Europeans and Russians. Now, I’m not disputing a Russian’s ability to party, I’m just saying that it’s not my sort of party. That’s a lot of party. Anyways, the Russian is not the issue here. The issue here, is that we have a surplus of atonal composers, and not nearly enough Ace Of Base. The world needs more Ace Of Base.

I Write For The BSBFB, And I Feel Great

I Write For The BSBFB, And I Feel Great

I need to find me a woman who wants five hundred kids. Every girl I meet just runs away and calls the police when I tell them I want five hundred babies. Maybe if I told them I needed the babies for science they would be more willing. People will do anything for science, good vibes, and granola bars.

Still, there’s the matter of five hundred babies. That’s a pretty hectic baby making schedule. If I spend all my time making babies I won’t be able to blather all over the intertunnel, so I think I’ll just farm out my baby making to you, the readers. Go out and do me proud. Bring me five hundred babies by next year, or I’ll be very disappointed.