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Category: wtf

They’ve Come To Suck Your Soul — And Your Nectar

They’ve Come To Suck Your Soul — And Your Nectar

It’s sort of like if Wes Anderson directed The Birds instead of Alfred Hitchcock. Not that I’ve ever seen a Wes Anderson movie. Too artsy for me. I much prefer the soft glow of my Rocky III Betamax tape. If it’s not on Betamax I can’t, and won’t watch it.

I may not know much, but I know for a fact that those birds are up to no good. They look so suspicious, darting around like they have some dastardly underlying motive. What’s going to happen when the feeder runs out of nectar? I’ll tell you what’s going to happen: they’re going straight for the eyeballs. They’re not going to pussyfoot around either; they’re going to suck out all of your bodily fluid through your peepers. The same way a lawyer or a reality tv star would.

Clown College Dropouts Have To Work Too

Clown College Dropouts Have To Work Too

This video hits rather close to home for me. I too know the sting of being a clown college dropout. All of my old habits linger with me. I still wear my big floppy shoes wherever I go. Every morning I put on my big red nose and rainbow wig just so I can remember the good old days. I like to go to the park on weekends, and terrorize children just like I used to. Except no one would call the cops when I was a clown.

Everything Is Terrible, Nothing Will Ever Be Okay

Everything Is Terrible, Nothing Will Ever Be Okay

The 80’s were a confusing time. I’m not even sure that it really happened. Scientists have uncovered fossil evidence linked to our civilization during that period, but nothing conclusive enough to prove that the 1980’s actually happened. They found: remnants of Members Only jackets, jazzercise tapes, Keytars, box after box of Baby on Board stickers, New Wave music, an inordinate amount of hairspray, and the stagnant husk of Jimmy Carter; but no solid proof.

I guess the 80’s should remain hazy. Based on everything we found we weren’t doing anything productive, let alone worth remembering. I suppose we’ve collectively agreed to wipe the 80’s from our memory. And maybe that’s for the best. All that’s left is this dating cassette tape, and way too many hair metal bands.

Walking On Water Is So Passé, I Prefer To Bike

Walking On Water Is So Passé, I Prefer To Bike

The hydrofoil bicycle: for when your regular hydrofoil is in the shop, and you still want to cruise into town to pick up chicks. They won’t be particularly interested, considering you’re still on a bicycle, but at least you’ll look cool while doing it. If we lived in an alternate universe where wetsuits and life-vests looked cool, what I just said would be true. But, to the relief of everyone on Earth, wearing a wetsuit still makes you look like a massive dork.

The bike is pretty nifty though. Cheating the laws of physics has always been an acceptable pursuit and I would recommend it to anyone who’s interested. Personally, I’d much prefer a yacht filled to the brim with Ice cold Zima and scantily clad women, but that’s just like, my opinion, man.