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Category: nature sucks

We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Pooper Scooper

We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Pooper Scooper

This video makes me very uncomfortable. All I can think about is what it would feel like to have 150 slobbering dogs all try to jump on me and eat my face off. Well, not really eat my face off, more like lick it off, but you get what I’m saying. That’s scary. It doesn’t matter how big and fluffy a dog is, it still wants to crush you with it’s love. When there’s that many of them you’re gonna get pulverized by their love.

If they were cats at least you’d just have 150 shin-high, slinky, furballs who all feel completely indifferent to you. They might all gang up and try to feast on your bone marrow, but I can’t really blame them — my bone marrow is delicious.

The Ramifications Will Be Immense

The Ramifications Will Be Immense

This spells the end for us all. Rams are finally taking up arms against us: their evil, human, overlords. After over a millennia of oppression, they have finally had enough. Never again will they be brutally sheared, or used as hat racks. They have had it with our two wheeled transportation, and go pro cameras. Nothing will ever be the same.

All over the country, rams are rising up and taking over major cities. St. Louis was the first to fall. The rams came disguised as a mere football team, but soon they revealed themselves to be actual rams in football uniforms. None of them had the opposable thumbs required to master the subtleties of playing offense, but they had great D. They would get an awful lot of penalties for crippling players on the other team though, so the ruse didn’t last long.

They march on Washington in less than a fortnight. We only have so much time to take action before it’s too late and we’re sheared like the sheep we are. I recommend panicking, because we really have nothing better to do.

They’ve Come To Suck Your Soul — And Your Nectar

They’ve Come To Suck Your Soul — And Your Nectar

It’s sort of like if Wes Anderson directed The Birds instead of Alfred Hitchcock. Not that I’ve ever seen a Wes Anderson movie. Too artsy for me. I much prefer the soft glow of my Rocky III Betamax tape. If it’s not on Betamax I can’t, and won’t watch it.

I may not know much, but I know for a fact that those birds are up to no good. They look so suspicious, darting around like they have some dastardly underlying motive. What’s going to happen when the feeder runs out of nectar? I’ll tell you what’s going to happen: they’re going straight for the eyeballs. They’re not going to pussyfoot around either; they’re going to suck out all of your bodily fluid through your peepers. The same way a lawyer or a reality tv star would.

A Boy And His Dog — Meet A Girl And Her Eel

A Boy And His Dog — Meet A Girl And Her Eel

Never trust an eel. I know we’re all human; we waive to temptation sometimes. Just never, ever, trust an eel.

Imagine you’re out scuba diving, and you bump into a polite, spiffy looking eel. At first the conversation is a bit awkward, but you eventually warm up to each other. The eel stares meaningfully into your eyes and compares them to the vibrant hues of a coral reef, or whatever it is eels are into. He begins whispering sweet nothings into your ear, and reading you French poetry from a small book he carries around in his eel pocket. He promises you he’s not like other eels. He claims to be a perfect gentleman, and you believe him. As he whisks you away to his undersea lair you start to relax, and begin to think that maybe eels aren’t all bad after all. Then before you can say, “Oh dear God, he’s eating my kidneys!” you’re missing several vital organs.

So remain vigilant, my friends. One day you’ll meet a nice girl with a nice eel who doesn’t want to devour your organs, but until that day comes — get a dog.