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Category: nature sucks

Nature Hates You

Nature Hates You

It feels nice to be safe at home huddled up behind the warm glow of my computer monitor. It feels even nicer knowing that most insects in my neighborhood can’t kill me. But they can try, and oh how they will try.

When you go outside every single thing you encounter wants to crack open your head and feast on the goo inside. Cats, dogs, mice, bats, rats, and politicians all want to swallow you whole. You’re safe during election season, but watch yourself after that. Insects on the other hand, want to grind your bones into putty and use it to fill the cracks in their tile. They want to fill up a kiddie pool with human entrails and dance around in it. Nothing is more reprehensible than an insect. Arachnids hate insects almost as much as we do, but they’re compelled only by their lust for blood. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Pythons Ripped My Flesh

Pythons Ripped My Flesh

Now that’s what I call taking a bite to the face like a man. Leave it to our dear friend Steve Irwin to get a chunk of his cheek taken out, and then react to it like it was an unexpected kiss. As he said, pythons have no fangs, and no venom so he’s in no danger whatsoever. Except of course for that whole face biting thing, that seems a bit dangerous.

I feel much worse for the snake though. The poor thing probably broke all it’s teeth bouncing off of Steve Irwin’s iron cheekbone. If that slithery fellow isn’t careful he might make Steve angry, and no snake wants an angry crocodile hunter on their tail. Try getting away when you have six feet of Australian using you as a rather fancy boomerang.