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Category: nature sucks

Next Level Logging

Next Level Logging

(Warning: mild salty language)

During peacetime it’s hard for people in the military to know what to do with themselves. I know exactly how they feel. If I don’t bathe in the blood of my enemies at least once a month I get all antsy and weird. It takes a lot of dudes to fill a bathtub full of blood, so I run out of enemies pretty quickly, which makes it even harder for me to keep up with my enemy slaying schedule.

Having nemeses has become a luxury for me. These days I’m lucky if I can find one vaguely despicable person to battle with. I can’t even hear the lamentations of their women, because they’re usually single and not looking to be in any sort of serious relationship right now, which is an absolute bummer for me. What on Earth is the point of defeating your enemies and seeing them driven before you if you’re unable to hear the lamentations of their women? I might as well give the whole business up and join the Australian Army. At least they get to go outside and play with their friends.

Reason Number 12,796 To Never Go Outside Again

Reason Number 12,796 To Never Go Outside Again

They’re more like fighter jets than birds. The only difference is I’m a lot less worried about getting pooped on by fighter jets. I might get hit by a couple loose missiles, but at least there won’t be any poop. I’d take instantaneous death over mild discomfort any day. Just imagine the smell of digested bird brains running down your shirt and you’ll be ready to get bombed.

It’s All Fun And Games Until You Can’t Find The Spider Anymore

It’s All Fun And Games Until You Can’t Find The Spider Anymore

Spiders are terrifying. That spider in particular is the most horrible little creature I have ever laid eyes on. If I ever encounter a spider of that size in real life I’m not sure what I would do. It’s not like we could kill it; that thing could take a shotgun blast to the abdomen and shake it off like it got hit with a spitball.

I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit — it’s the only way to be sure

Missed It By That Much

Missed It By That Much

[Warning: Some inaudible salty language]

Well, at least he’s outside. I mean, most people don’t even bother leaving their bathroom to fall down and hurt themselves. Take my brother for example: instead of doing a sick kick flip off some gnarly grinds after hanging ten on a sweet wave and crashing into the surf like a rad cool dude, he fell down in the shower, and I had to wrap him in the bathmat and take him to the ER.

So take this as a warning: injure yourself like a hip, cool, dude. Don’t be a granny.