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Category: nature sucks

Australia: Where Everything Is Trying To Kill You, But The Beer Is Cheap And The Beaches Are Nice To Look At From A Safe Distance

Australia: Where Everything Is Trying To Kill You, But The Beer Is Cheap And The Beaches Are Nice To Look At From A Safe Distance

I think I know why Australians are so fond of their beer. It’s not like they can go outside; everything that walks, crawls, or slithers on its belly wants to inject every human they find so full of poison and bile they could easily pass for a politician. Staying inside and getting completely blasted is the only thing they can do for fun, otherwise they risk dismemberment from the wildlife. It’s also the only way you can get anyone to go home after a long night at the pub. If they aren’t quite drunk enough they’ll still have enough sense not to walk home. Getting plastered is the only way Australians can continue their day-to-day life in peace. Otherwise, they’ll just be worried all the time and that’s not very Australian of them.

Bears? I’m Not Afraid of Bears — Bears Are Afraid of Me

Bears? I’m Not Afraid of Bears — Bears Are Afraid of Me

The same technique can be used on lions, tigers, social workers, and the elderly.

It’s not too difficult to pull off; simply look into the eyes of your unwanted assailant and show them that you mean business. You don’t have to flash a piece or tell them that you know karate. That’s a great way to get beaten up, because they know just as well as you that you don’t know karate. Even bears know that you don’t know karate. Sometimes the best way to get your point across is with a stern word and a hard stare.

Not only will your adversary be surprised by your confidence, they will immediately fear you. If it doesn’t work you’ll get your face ripped off, but it was worth a shot.

It’s All Fun And Games Unil You Can’t Find The Giant Water Bug

It’s All Fun And Games Unil You Can’t Find The Giant Water Bug

Whoever built that tiny marker fortress is delusional if they think it can hold back that creature, The darn thing has psychoactive, inter-dimensional powers from the black lagoon — and legs. I’m not really sure what they were expecting; kindness to insects is only ever repaid with blood, painful stinging, and biting. They’d be better off trying to pet a rabid raccoon like a normal person.

They Don’t Make Bears Like They Used To

They Don’t Make Bears Like They Used To

People need to be more careful, the pandas appear to be coordinating their attacks and going for vital organs. The guy in the video fought valiantly, but I’m sure they left out the part where he was disemboweled and eaten at the end.

Okay, I admit it: pandas aren’t the most vicious bunch. But they have bear in their name for poop’s sake. Being called a panda bear is so misleading; it’s like making a Smith & Wesson baby stroller or an Abrams throw pillow. You’d think that with a name like panda bear they’d rip someone’s face off every once and a while or eat a hiker or two. I mean, come on, koala bears are more threatening and they’re twice as cuddly.

I wouldn’t try to hug a koala bear, though — they’re just as bloodthirsty as everything else in Australia and they won’t hesitate to bite your face off and wear it like a fleshy Halloween mask.