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Category: nature sucks

I Don’t Know What This Is, But I Want Ten Of Them

I Don’t Know What This Is, But I Want Ten Of Them

Before you judge someone you must walk a mile in their shoes. I don’t think I need to get up off my seat to judge his questionable clothing. His shoes aren’t the problem, which might come as a surprise to some savvy readers who noticed that I started off with the shoe line; it’s everything else. The pants, the hat, and the lack of a shirt have me both intrigued and terrified.

I want an Archwood Flextrek 37,000,000,000,000 Whipsnake more than I want to see the sun rise every morning, but I’m really on the fence about the rest of the outfit. I’m no outdoorsman, but I think pants and a shirt of some sort are prerequisites for wandering around the wilderness. This isn’t Nam, there are rules. Le Crevasse isn’t cutting it, buddy. If I wanted to watch a bunch of pale men wander around aimlessly while murmuring to themselves about their awesome fanny packs, I’d hang out with the press pool during the presidential primaries.

Never Eat Anything Bigger Than Your Head

Never Eat Anything Bigger Than Your Head

I had a girlfriend with cheek pouches that extended all the way to her hips like a hamster’s — as you can imagine she didn’t appreciate it when I’d try to climb in, so she could carry me around in her massive pouches. She also didn’t like it when I referred to her cheeks as massive pouches. She got quite mad when I used the word massive to describe any part of her. This is probably why I started the sentence with I had a girlfriend. All I wanted to do was ride around in her pouches like a baby kangaroo; is that too hard to understand?

Ladies, your massive cheeks pouches aren’t something that you need to hide or be ashamed of. Hideous deformities that are vaguely useful should be praised and cherished. Even if you’ve got a horse face, trucker arms, and a ridiculous haircut there’s still some hope — you can probably get a prime-time TV show on NBC.

We Come From A Land Down Under…

We Come From A Land Down Under…

… where people don’t have enough sense not to grab handfuls of poisonous snakes. At least he’s wearing pants, but that’s all you can hope for at this point. If you’re expecting any sort of comprehensible speech I’m afraid you’re watching videos from the wrong continent. Understanding an Australian takes years of experience, and it should not be attempted at home. You might suffer permanent brain damage, or worse: develop an Australian accent yourself.

Chuck Norris: The Early Years

Chuck Norris: The Early Years

Not all heroes wear capes — some of them ride buffalo and punch cougars in the face.

This guy is possibly the manliest man I’ve ever seen in my entire life. He rides a buffalo, fights Indians, punches a mountain lion, rescues an abandoned baby, and shoots up a saloon without messing up his killer beard. The dude can take a bullet like a boss, too. I’m pretty sure it was deflected by his awesomeness, and he was just faking being shot for the sake of the plot.

It’s safe to say that guy on a buffalo is the epitome of everything the borderline sociopath boy aspires to be. When I grow up I want to be a guy on a buffalo, too.