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Category: nature sucks

I Wouldn’t Say It’s In Action, Bob.

I Wouldn’t Say It’s In Action, Bob.


The ocean is a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, doused in mystery. Many people like to claim that we know more about the surface of the Moon than the depths of our oceans, but I can’t be bothered to verify if that’s true. Naturally, the Moon is a lot easier to photograph, but I think there’s a better reason why me have more information about the Moon’s surface than the sea floor.

For the most part, the sea floor is incredibly dull. Once you’ve seen one mile of barren sand, you’ve seen it all. There’s one funny-looking octopus every 100 hectares and that’s about it. Sunken pirate vessels are hard to come by, so no one bothers looking. The Moon, on the other hand, is vaguely interesting and full of Moon rocks. We haven’t found any crashed space pirates yet, but we’re working on it. If we could photograph the ocean floor from a satellite we would, but it’s hard to cut though several miles of ocean, just so you can take pictures of sand.

Plus, we know there’s no life on the Moon, because it doesn’t have any sort of atmosphere worth mentioning. The ocean is a different story. The ocean is frigging scary. You never know what sort of deranged creepy-crawlies you’ll find at challenger depth. No one wants to descend into the darkness just so they have a 10 percent chance of seeing a fish, a 89 percent chance of seeing nothing, and a one percent chance of waking Cthulhu from his eternal slumber.

Don’t be that guy who goes around unleashing unspeakable cosmic horrors. That guy doesn’t get invited to parties.

Gnawing On Nazis

Gnawing On Nazis


Nazis: the only unequivocally evil force that I’m allowed to make fun of without anyone getting all pissy. I can deride Nazis in any fashion that I like, for as long as I like, and no one will think any less of me. It’s wonderful because you don’t have to justify hating Nazis, you can simply hate them because they’re Nazis. Hating Nazis is so universally accepted that there’s an incalculable number of movies, video games, and TV shows dedicated to mercilessly taking the piss out of Nazis. Here are a couple notable examples:


Why justify hating Nazis when you can fight the rising tides of national socialism by watching Australian public access television, which seems to be light-years ahead of anything we have in the US.


I think I’ve illustrated my point — whatever that might be.

Damn, Nature, You Not Very Scary

Damn, Nature, You Not Very Scary

While I’m sure we’d all like to take a minute to appreciate the subtleties of conch on conch warfare, I think that it’s a bit silly to use terms like: quickly, in a flash, and overrun. It’s bad enough the show is called World’s Deadliest when they’re talking about conchs, so let’s not kid ourselves. I’ve passed kidney stones faster than those mollusks were moving. I’ve seen riots that were resolved faster than that fight. If they were moving any slower, the Earth would have been able to complete a full rotation around that Sun before they caught each other.

What’s more alarming than the show’s blatant lack of understanding for the word quick, is their insistence on featuring plants, animals, and fauna that are not very deadly, or quick, or scary, or intimidating in any way. The next video on this playlist is Sudden Death Cuttlefish, which is an absolutely pathetic attempt to make cuttlefish sound like flesh-consuming hyper-killers. They’re called cuttlefish for poop’s sake, which is about two consonants away from being a cuddlefish.

I really miss the days when National Geographic had shows that were long looks into interesting animals and locations around the world. Now they’re all borderline snuff-films about whatever they could buy from the local aquarium for 30 bucks and a half-pack of menthol cigarettes.

Meanwhile, In Australia

Meanwhile, In Australia

A lot of people, including myself, have said that Australia is one of the only places on Earth where everything from the marmots to the millipedes are actively trying to kill you. While this is true, I don’t think it’s necessarily fair. Yes, the ocean is filled with man-eating sharks and poisonous coral that will give you a seizure if you look at it funny. Yes, the badlands are full of venomous snakes and tarantulas the size of your fist. Yes, the trees will try to harpoon you as you walk by, the birds will try to peck out your eyeballs, and even the Koalas will tear you a new one if you get too friendly, but this doesn’t prove that Australia is the deadliest place on Earth. All that it proves is that Australians can kill themselves with anything.

The only reason we know so much about all the deadly plants and animals scattered over the Australian Outback is because of all the dead Australians. We know that their waters are filled with man-eating sharks because they thought it was a brilliant idea to swim with the darn things. I guess no one’s had the heart to tell them we already knew the sharks were deadly and they didn’t need to prove it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve very fond of Australians. Their accents make me giggle and their women are a mix between Baywatch and the big book of British smiles. I’m worried about them more than anything. My dear friends in Australia wouldn’t know that you couldn’t inhale water unless they tried it first. If you have any Australian friends please keep them away from aquariums, zoos, and anywhere else that might house dangerous animals they haven’t seen before. If you can’t keep them out of the zoo, make sure to keep them away from the tiger enclosure — they might get the overwhelming urge to run up and stick their thumb up a tiger’s butt to see if it’ll get mad.

(Many thanks to our good friend Charles Schneider for sending this one our way)