Hide your kids, hide your wife, hide you’re husband, because they’re coming for everything you love. They cannot be stopped. Nothing will stand in their way. They make the Nazis look like girl scouts. They make the Stalinist purges look like a nice day at the beach. I weep for humanity because soon there will be very little of us left.

Perhaps I’m exaggerating a bit. A group of cultists dressed like Pikachu marching in lock-step is only about 50 percent as sinister as my description of it. Never trust anything that’s fuzzy and adorable. That’s a rule of mine. It’s one of the main reasons why I’m still here today. If I gave in to every adorable dictatorship that came along I don’t know what kind of man I’d be. You’ve got to fight for your right to party, and etc.

So don’t come crying to me if any Pikachu death squads come to destroy democracy. I warned you all about it, so I have absolutely no sympathy for those who don’t prepare. Stock up on bug spray, toilet paper, and large-caliber weapons.