I heard that Jerry Miculek can eat a bowl of nails without any milk. I heard he once killed Wolafman Jack with a trident, and then he hunted down and killed the banana splits with a machete. I heard he organized a merger between UNICEF and Smith & Wesson. It’s a little known fact that the Miculek family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong. I heard he drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls, which is probably why Jerry Miculek is the only person Chuck Norris truly fears.

Not many people know this, but Jerry had a pet cobra for a time. Every weekend he’d put on a white tie and tails, and walk his cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra Beverly, and he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone, but then one day it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes — Jerry had to shoot the maid.