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Category: honorary borderline sociopaths

No Drummer? No Problem.

No Drummer? No Problem.

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(Warning: some salty language if you happen to speak Spanish, otherwise you’re fine)

Cocaína is a helluva drug.

I wouldn’t know, because the strongest thing I’ve ever taken comes with a childproof cap and all the tablets are shaped like little dinosaurs, but I imagine that a coke-fueled musical rampage must be interesting. I can’t vouch for how enjoyable it would be, but I’m sure that like a tire fire or honey badger attack, it would interesting to watch from a safe distance.

I’m sorry for my absolute lack of knowledge on all the cool drugs the kids these days are doing. I don’t get invited to many parties, and the parties that I am invited to are usually thrown by my mother or someone related to her. I’ve tried doing drugs at those, but my extended family always gives me funny looks when I ask if they have any ecstasy on hand. Every once in a while one of my cool cousins gives me a Tylenol, but that gets be about as high as the Titanic.

Despite all of my previous attempts one of my cousins hooked me up with a drug dealer who I’ve been visiting regularly. He’s got everything on the market: aspirin, Tylenol, acetaminophen, Advil; he’s even got cough syrup in five different flavors. Next time I got to see my him I’ll ask for some of that quote, unquote prescription stuff. Maybe I’ll buy some ibuprofen without asking my mom for permission.

The U.S.S. Orson Welles Has Docked And Wishes To Say A Few Words

The U.S.S. Orson Welles Has Docked And Wishes To Say A Few Words

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I feel like ole Orson was being a little harsh. Dean Martin didn’t even write That’s Amore, so you can’t blame him for that one. Anyways, things like that happen to the best of us. Once in a while you go on a 3-week bender, and by the time you sober up you’ve recorded a series of hit novelty records and have a hit Las Vegas show. It happens to me all the time.

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YOU WHAT, MATE?

YOU WHAT, MATE?

[Warning: Some unintelligible salty language]

Are you havin a giggle, mate? I swear, you are one cheeky berk, mate. One more word outta you and I’ll hook you right in the gabber. I swear on me mum I’ll turn you into toast, mate. Now shut your mouth or I’m callin in me boys and you’ll be in for a proper rumble. I’ll shank your nan outside Tescos, I will. You’ll be a right mess, ya muppet.

Oi, Oi! You better watch it, mate, or I’ll do your windys in. Be careful or I’ll have ya, ya right bastid. I’ll nick your trackies faster than your nancy face can fart. You’re a load of naff, mate, and you better watch it from now on. If I catch you gawpin again I’ll give you a right pummel. Now bugger off before I lose me temper — mate.