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Sri Lanka’s Got Talent: Clarinet Edition

Sri Lanka’s Got Talent: Clarinet Edition

Now that’s what I call mucus — er — music. Whisky Coca Cola is the best thing to happen to popular music since Elvis discovered that teenage girls are really into guys who play the guitar and sing.  I can’t wait to see Whisky Coca Cola performed live at Coachella and Lollapalooza. These guys are going to bring the proverbial house down and steal all the ashtrays. The only thing left for them to play after that is the Superbowl halftime show, but they aren’t nearly washed up enough to play there. You have to be at least ten years past your prime and you can’t be any good to begin with.

This band is in the perfect position. If at least one member dies in a mysterious gardening accident they’ll be on the top of the charts in no time.

Combat Juggling: For When Mime Fights Are Just Too Exciting

Combat Juggling: For When Mime Fights Are Just Too Exciting

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I’d really like to see a battle royale between every type of street performer. Any kind of fight to the death involving jugglers, magicians, buskers, and mimes would be delightful. If you filmed it and then sold it to the general public you’d make a killing. Everyone loves a good melee, especially when there’s a fair chance that mimes will be harmed in some way.

In a true street performer melee, I’d put my money on the magicians. They saw people in half for giggles. Lord only knows what else they have up their sleeves. Magicians are usually kinda scrawny, but they do have that evil Van Dyke beard thing to scare their opponents. Don’t sleep on the magicians!

They’re Here

They’re Here

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Hide your kids, hide your wife, hide you’re husband, because they’re coming for everything you love. They cannot be stopped. Nothing will stand in their way. They make the Nazis look like girl scouts. They make the Stalinist purges look like a nice day at the beach. I weep for humanity because soon there will be very little of us left.

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Crack Is Wack, But Karate Is Naughty

Crack Is Wack, But Karate Is Naughty

Personally, I never do anything for any payment other than crack. When I shovel the neighbor’s driveway they pay me in crack. When I walk old ladies across the street it’s in the hope that they’ll give me some hard crack candy. Someday I might get a real job, so I can use the proceeds to buy a house and a car that I can then sell for more crack. My methods may be unorthodox, but they’re extremely effective. I have never had to deal with a karate expert in my crack wheelings and dealings.