Many of you astute readers may have noticed that I don’t watch sports or know how many sports work, so this video gave me an enormous amount of pleasure. Not only do I know exactly what’s going on, I’m glad that it’s happening. If you’re wearing tights you deserve everything that’s coming to you. No exceptions. I don’t care if you’re Shakespeare, if I see you wearing tights I’m going to hurl you to the ground and laugh at you. Watching 50 or more people in tights hurl themselves to the ground makes me feel like it’s Christmas and my birthday all rolled into one package. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted and more.

If there were more accidents I might feel obliged to actually watch sports instead of waiting for the Live Leak highlight reels. It’s an objective fact that people watch hockey for the fighting, NASCAR for the crashes, and soccer for the occasional riot or terrorist attack. All sports need some ulterior reason to be watched. Football needs more machete-fights. Basketballs should explode at random to turn matches into insane games of hot-potato. More than anything else, the Olympic Biathlon needs a bit of the ole ultraviolence: