Here is a fine example of not spring skiing. Spring skiing is all about terrible skiing and half decent weather. This video is full of great skiing and gray skies. No one is playing Cups and doing Jagermeister jello shots while wearing shorts and a T-shirt at the mud puddle at the base of the only lift that’s running. There’s actual ski-able snow, not sno-cone mush with last fall’s ice peeking through. Hell, I bet they had to shovel the driveway to get the Subaru out. That’s not spring skiing, and never will be.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ski like crazy, double flip, land safely, camera on head, blah blah blah, yadda yadda. That’s all very well and good; but who’s building these snow ramps? He’s a genius.
Look at the ramps and slopes and whatnot. They’re perfect, like a wedding cake from Brobdingnag. Sculpted like some sort of Arctic Acropolis. If you gave that guy a Zamboni, he’d probably have a giant swan ice sculpture at center ice for the start of the third period. I say we strap a camera to the snow groomer’s plaid hat — you know, the one with the flaps — and watch him work his magic instead of the hipsters on the skis.
Many of you astute readers may have noticed that I don’t watch sports or know how many sports work, so this video gave me an enormous amount of pleasure. Not only do I know exactly what’s going on, I’m glad that it’s happening. If you’re wearing tights you deserve everything that’s coming to you. No exceptions. I don’t care if you’re Shakespeare, if I see you wearing tights I’m going to hurl you to the ground and laugh at you. Watching 50 or more people in tights hurl themselves to the ground makes me feel like it’s Christmas and my birthday all rolled into one package. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted and more.
If there were more accidents I might feel obliged to actually watch sports instead of waiting for the Live Leak highlight reels. It’s an objective fact that people watch hockey for the fighting, NASCAR for the crashes, and soccer for the occasional riot or terrorist attack. All sports need some ulterior reason to be watched. Football needs more machete-fights. Basketballs should explode at random to turn matches into insane games of hot-potato. More than anything else, the Olympic Biathlon needs a bit of the ole ultraviolence:
I don’t trust anyone who says they like snow. It’s nothing personal, I just think that they’re defective human beings. Anyone with an affinity for something that will cause your smaller extremities to turn purple and fall off after prolonged exposure should be committed. Don’t get me wrong, I like watching movies with snow in them, and videos where snow is peppering the backdrop. I simply don’t like being within 500 miles of anywhere that’s had snowfall in the past century, which is an immense problem when you live in northern New England.
Someday I’ll move somewhere with less snow, but I’m snowed in right now, so I can’t move very far past my front door. This might be affecting my opinion slightly.