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Category: kids these days

Wax On, Wax Off

Wax On, Wax Off

When I eventually decide to spawn tiny people of my own, this is the only way I will ever wash them. It’s been scientifically proven that children are covered in a thin film of disgusting goo 100 percent of the time, so the only way to clean then off effectively is to take them out back and hose them down. When hosing them down isn’t enough, many people will resort to bathing their urchins in a swimming pool full of bleach, but sometimes that isn’t enough either. Perhaps the best way to bathe your guttersnipe is with an automated car wash.

It’s a win-win situation. Your truck gets a nice waxing and buffing, and so do your kids.

(Many thanks to Charles Schneider for sending this one our way)

How To Shatter Your Hip Like A Boss

How To Shatter Your Hip Like A Boss

The dude can take a hit, I’ll give him that much. I can’t quite tell if he’s talking like that because he’s being sarcastic, or his lungs have collapsed. There’s probably a cootie-ridden girl somewhere off screen he’s trying to impress, but he can’t fool me. That hurt. That hurt like watching your grandma try to use a computer.

He hit the ground hard enough to shatter the pelvis of any normal man. He’s a teenager, so he can get away with that sort of thing, but he shouldn’t push his luck. In another five years he might as well be a geriatric. If he pulls another move like that his spine will vacate his body and find a nice adoptive family who’ll treat it better. Until then he’ll make the best of his teenage tard-strength, by hurling himself off of things and looking sullen. God help us all if he forms a band and starts writing songs about his feelings.

Kids these days.

BRO DOUCHE HULK SMASH

BRO DOUCHE HULK SMASH

Many people have told me that there is something wrong with this fine fellow, but I would have to disagree. There is not one single aspect that seems off to me. He gave his little speech, pointed into the crowd dramatically, and was shirtless the whole time. What possibly could be wrong with that? He was quoting Rocky for poop’s sake, there wasn’t anything out of the ordinary going on. He’s not strangling puppies by the dozen and feasting on the goo inside. You people need to take a good hard look at yourselves before you criticize this dear fellow. He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a red bull.

I think we could all learn a little something from our dear musclebound friend. I mean, he said it best; to directly quote him:

“GWHEA GWHEA GWHEA GWHEA GWHEA GWHEA GHWEARGHHHHHhhh.”

 What an inspiration.

Mommy, This Apples Tastes Funny

Mommy, This Apples Tastes Funny

This kid has got a lot of heart. He knows that something is amiss but he powers on through. He’s made his decision and he’ll stick by it. There’s no point in giving up now, this is the sort of thing that comes back to haunt you. Like income taxes or a dead relative hovering over your bed, the unfinished onion will be in his dreams for weeks if not properly taken care of.

I’m sure that we don’t have to worry, he looks well on his way to finishing. With one heroic bite after another he’ll be done before you can say halitosis. Then he can go back to his playpen and feel utterly confident that he has achieved more than many men ever will.

Zesty.