BSBFB

Girls are soft and they smell good. Every man wants to spend his time with someone who’s soft and smells good. It’s in our nature. However, we mostly spend our time with other sweaty dudes, grunting and swearing and handing each other wrenches. For the most part, women would rather not have anything to do with us. But we keep looking for ways to trick them into thinking we’re alright.

Some men go out to night clubs to try to pick up women. Of course women have better things to do, so clubs are just filled with funny-smelling dudes looking for nonexistent women. Others try online dating That’s a fool’s errand, as there are no women on the internet, just other men, and policemen. Online dating is still better than nightclubs, though, because you only have to shower and put on pants on the day you upload your profile picture.

Finding girlfriends is hard enough. Keeping one happy is damn near impossible. This kid has three. Good luck, little dude. You’re gonna need it.

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To this day I still play The Floor Is Lava.  It’s not because I want to relive my childhood. It’s because I had the floors redone some time ago, and I don’t want them to get all scuffed up before I have guests over. Since I’m so unpopular, it’s taking a long time to get guests to come over, so the floors still look freshly refinished. If anyone did come over, I’m sure they’d marvel at my pristone hardwood floors. Of course my furniture is in a terrible state from having a grown man climb all over it while wearing work boots, so I’m not inviting anyone over until I rob a Rent A Center as well.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Aren’t children amusing? They’re like drunk midgets. They spend all their time bumping in to things, eating weird food combos, inadvertently harming themselves, and vomiting at the drop of a hat.  It’s a shame they have to grow up and become sober.