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Category: Japan

I’ve Seen Enough Japanese Food Network To Know Where This Is Going

I’ve Seen Enough Japanese Food Network To Know Where This Is Going

This ad isn’t very effective. Ads are designed to give the user the overwhelming feeling that they need a product, item, or pickup truck. After watching this, all that I want is 100 Japanese maids. I don’t even know why I’d need them, or what I’d do with them, but I want them anyways.

I don’t even know what they’re trying to sell in the first place. Probably some kind of Downton Abbey starter kit, but with more tentacles. Regardless of what they’re selling, I don’t particularly want any. On the other hand, I don’t think I could go another day without a fleet of Japanese maids at my disposal. I hope that they can do more than just make pancakes. What if I want French toast, or an omelette?

If they only made pancakes I’d be very disappointed. Having 100 Japanese maids that can only make a single pancake is like having a Lamborghini that you can only drive around in your garage. This isn’t a problem for someone with a huge garage, but you’ll die from carbon monoxide poisoning eventually — the same could be said for pancakes.

The Japanese: What Won’t They Turn Into A Robot?

The Japanese: What Won’t They Turn Into A Robot?

I don’t think they should go any further with this robotics business, I’ve seen the majority of Terminator Two and I’m pretty sure I know what comes after robot trashcans. The trashcans and the Roombas start colluding, conspiring, and other nasty words. Then you wake up one day to find your floors are all dirty, and there’s trash everywhere because the robots have revolted and taken control of the downstairs bathroom. Now you have to sweep the floors yourself like some kind of animal, and you can only use the upstairs bathroom. I mean, what if you have guests over and multiple people want to use the bathroom at once? Where will you be then?

I say, the sooner we go back to hiring street urchins to do our bidding the better. At least guttersnipes will simply try to smother you in your sleep instead of embarrass you in front of your friends and family.

Did You Ever Have One Of Those Days…

Did You Ever Have One Of Those Days…

You know; you wake up in the morning and seven ninjas leap from the shadows and throw pies in your face. That sort of day. It doesn’t get any better from there either. You go to the bathroom and find another group of pie-flinging ninjas waiting for you. You have to soldier on, but damn, where are all these ninjas coming from? Where did they get all of these pies? Why is this happening to me? How many puppies did I maim in a past life to get to this moment?

The day goes on and you have to at least try to get on with your routine, but you really can’t. The ninjas are always there with their infinite pies ready to pounce on you at any second. It’s a constant bombardment of disappointment at all times and you’re stuck right in the sticky center — but you have to keep going. Those pie precipitating pieces of poo have to move along eventually. Time heals all wounds, and whatever. 

Time won’t get that pie out of the carpet though, you might want to pick that up before it starts to soak in.

I Ain’t Even Mad

I Ain’t Even Mad

They’ve done it again, and I ain’t even mad. After this long you’d think that nothing coming out of Japan would surprise me; but this did. I’m not only surprised, I am impressed. I have no idea what’s happening, I am appalled by everything, and I want to vomit. The vomiting may just be incidental, considering I ate a twelve pack of foot-long Slim Jims for dinner, and washed it down with a fifteen year old bottle of Crystal Pepsi.

But my deplorable eating habits are not the issue here. The issue is whether we dropped too many A-bombs on Japan, or not nearly enough. At the moment, I’m leaning toward too many. I think the radiation did something weird to their national psyche to make them want to publicly broadcast this drivel. Or, perhaps I’m just a stick in the mud and need to get with the times.

It’s like, 2010, I think; I need to loosen up. I’m pretty sure Clinton is still president, but I’d need to check.