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Category: guns

Still Not As Cool As Lasers

Still Not As Cool As Lasers


I want laser guns and I want them now. None of this railgun crap. I want something that goes pew pew pew, and I want it good and hard. How am I supposed to pew pew pew with a railgun? Pro tip: I can’t. What were they thinking? What could possibly compel them to make anything that doesn’t involve lasers weapons of some sort. It doesn’t even have to be a laser gun, it can be a laser sword, or a laser baseball bat, or a laser blender, or a laser dinette set; you know, as long as it has laser in the name.

The darn thing doesn’t even go ping when you’re done shooting everyone. Yes, it has a really nice boom, but we have a lot of cannons that we barely use that can make a quality boom. The only way you could sell me on railgun weaponry is if it involved missiles. From all outward appearances, the darn thing has no missiles, no lasers, and it doesn’t even go ping. I am thoroughly disappointed.

It’s all about that ping.

Five Ways To Figure Out If You Like Guns

Five Ways To Figure Out If You Like Guns

Clickbait is such a fun word, it almost feels dirty, but in my heart I know that it’s a necessary evil. I’d much rather have people read my drivel than waste their time on an inferior site, so it’s important to reel them in at any cost. I feel like the Pied Piper of Hamelin — minus the whole child killing thing. The point is that I have to use my wicked ways to attract viewers, or this site drops in readership faster than Bill Clinton drops his trousers at an intern convention.

Err — I mean, here’s five ways to figure out if you like guns:

1) You like guns

2) You also like other types of guns along with your standard selection of guns

3) You’re interested in guns and gun accessories

4) You like to gun gun while you gun gun gun so you can gun more guns, gun

5) You own a firearm and actively practice shooting at a designated range because you enjoy shooting and other related activities

Now that you’ve read the top five ways to figure if you like guns, you can finally take a good, hard look at your extensive rifle collection and decide if that’s really something that you’re into. If none of these apply to you then maybe it’s about time you take up knitting or collecting decorative doilies.  No need to thank me — I’m just doing my job, so you don’t have to.

No Matter What Happens, Keep Playing; The Groomsmen Are Getting Restless

No Matter What Happens, Keep Playing; The Groomsmen Are Getting Restless

Wine, women, spirits, and gunshots: if your party has at least three of these things then it’s probably a pretty dang good fiesta. You get bonus points if the police are called. Matching hats aren’t required, but they definitely help.

It’s a well known fact that accordions are the number one cause of fights, riots, and venereal diseases worldwide. The only reason they haven’t been banned yet is because the sudden influx of unemployed accordion players would probably cause mass hysteria. Many governments have elected to legalize accordions for personal use, but it seems like nothing can stop the mayhem caused by rogue accordion players.

I think it’s in everyone’s best interest to regulate accordion usage to private parties and events. The accordion is too powerful to be stopped, we can only hope to contain it.

I’d Stay Off Of This Guy’s Lawn If I Were You

I’d Stay Off Of This Guy’s Lawn If I Were You

Gun-toting plumbers from Louisiana make the best YouTube videos. Actually, he looks like more of an electrician; I can see it in his eyes. Tradesmen make the deadliest warriors because they want to kill everyone on the job almost as much as postmen do.

I can appreciate his dedication to playing it fast and loose, but I don’t know if there’s any practical application for most of these activities. If you’re ever in a situation where you’re blindfolded and you need to get six rounds downrange in under a second, maybe you should consider playing pin the tail on the donkey in a nicer neighborhood, so you don’t have to resort to blowing the heads off half a dozen party-goers at the drop of a hat. That seems to be the only situation where that exercise would be applicable, and it can be easily avoided.

Then again, it never pays to be unprepared.