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The Bond Villain School Of Marksmanship

The Bond Villain School Of Marksmanship

Rule one of The Bond Villain School of Marksmanship: hit everywhere except the target. Maybe clip his shoulder if you really want to get dramatic, but stay away from any vital organs. Everyone who isn’t a main character is game, but if you were paying any attention during your training you shouldn’t be able to hit the broad side of a barn.

In the competitive minion market only the worst shots get hired. If you so much as fire within 20 feet of the target, your resume is going straight in the trash. Once you’ve been on the job for a while you can start actually firing at people, but until then don’t even aim. Take it from an expert. As an evil overload of deathly doom I can safely say that none of my minions even know what a gun looks like, let alone how to shoot one. That’s why I wholeheartedly endorse this new gangsta grip sensation that’s sweeping the nation. It’s all about intimidation, and property damage. Why should I use my minions to take out secret agents when I can use my brand new death laser of death? Exactly. The dang thing cost twelve tons of gold bullion, so I’m going to darn well use it.

Greedo Totally Shot First

Greedo Totally Shot First

I really feel for the guy in the video. I hate when I get shot with a flare gun and die. It happens all the time and it’s really beginning to get on my nerves. My disembodied ears are still ringing from the last time. At least he got done in quick. After my last flare gun mishap I’ve been reduced to just a head in a jar. My insurance plan doesn’t cover recapitation so I’m stuck like this for all eternity. Now I use my tongue to type and my eyelids to scroll; it’s not so bad after you get used to not breathing or going to the bathroom. Pro tip: On the internet, nobody knows you’re a severed head.

A flare gun wouldn’t typically cause your entire body to disintegrate like you got hit with a holy hand grenade, but in this case it seems appropriate. A video without a violent explosion simply isn’t good enough. We have very high standards here at the BSBFB headquarters. Also, we some very delicious looking donuts in the break room, but no one will carry my jar over.

In Soviet Russia, Magazine Loads YOU

In Soviet Russia, Magazine Loads YOU

[Video Warning: Some salty language and gratuitous usage of memes at around the two minute mark]

The Swiss must be furious.

After all the effort they’ve poured into their fancy little knife it gets blown away by a 70 year old piece of Soviet Engineering. Don’t get me wrong, if I’m ever in a situation where I need a miniature knife, screwdriver, and or file nothing beats a Swiss army knife. On the off chance I ever need to do something useful the Swiss army knife leaves much to be desired. This is where the AK mag really seems to shine. It is entirely capable of driving a nail, screwing a screw, and mercilessly striking down my enemies. The magazine also acts as a bottle opener so you can do all that while completely off your face. To be fair, the Swiss never stood a chance.

Soviets: 1
Capitalist Pigs: 0

[Many thanks to our friend of impeccable taste, Gerard at American Digest ]

Hey, Fellas — Hold My Saké And Watch This

Hey, Fellas — Hold My Saké And Watch This

Oh boy, more adventures on the Cyrillic side of Youtube. Any video title starting with a backwards R immediately garners my fullest attention, but I smell a rat. The fellow in the video is speaking Japanese and the video is obviously not taken from the dashcam of a minivan plowing through Saint Petersburg. So what gives? The distinct lack of vehicular manslaughter proves my point even further. Something is rotten in Denmark — err, I mean Vladivostok.

On closer inspection I have concluded that the video is a perfect hybrid of Japanese weirdness and Cyrillic nonsense. You have the Japanese fellow attempting to brush his teeth with an air pistol, and the Cyrillic gibberish to show that he means business. He does a pretty thorough job too, in between screams.

You’ll notice that he’s just as surprised as anyone else that it works.

[Many thanks to the illustrious Jonathan Frost-Johnson for sending us this video]