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Category: food

Okay Fido, Fetch Me A Large Meatball Sub With Extra Gravy And Sprinkles On Top

Okay Fido, Fetch Me A Large Meatball Sub With Extra Gravy And Sprinkles On Top


I wish someone would throw tacos at me. Pets are treated like royalty these days. When was the last time someone threw a slice of pizza at you? Probably hasn’t happened, but this dog is getting delicious food thrown at him every day. Why do we stand for such injustice? Why have we formed an organization to protect animals, but not an organization to protect delicious food? As god as my witness, I’m going to found People for the Ethical Treatment of Hamburgers as soon as I can be bothered to get out of bed.

He’s giving that dog people food, and that really grinds my gears. Before you know it, the dog will be sitting on the couch, watching TV, getting hair everywhere, and making an absolute mess because he thinks he’s a person. Outrageous. People get people food, and dogs get dog food; that’s the way it’s always been and always should be. On occasion you can throw your dog what’s left of a massive t-bone steak, so you can feel like the king of a medieval domain, feeding your noble hunting dogs with table scraps when you run out of slow-moving peasants. Other than that, no people food.

What I’m really trying to get at, is that you shouldn’t be throwing perfectly good food away like that. You should be giving it to me. I’m so much better than a dog. Dogs can’t thank you after eating all your food. Dogs can’t fix your toilet in return for croissants. A dog can’t sit in their bathrobe and stink up your living room while eating soup out of a mason jar. I can do all of that — and I won’t poop on your carpet.

Cooking For Cretins

Cooking For Cretins


I adore cooking. I cook all the time. I make sandwiches, toast, hot dogs; you name it, I’ve done it. Sometimes, if I’m feeling really wild, I cook up a bag of Tyson chicken.

I really am a connoisseur when it comes to my ingredients. Only the finest bagged chicken for me; none of that Great Value crap. It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken, and it takes an ever stronger man to buy good ingredients. If I used any old kind of frozen chicken tenders, I wouldn’t be able to bring out the pure, rubbery taste that comes from high-quality tenders. Every single cooking show I’ve ever seen has stressed the importance of good ingredients, and tee vee hasn’t let me down yet.

The only way I could become a better chef is if someone teaches me how to use the microwave — you can only do so much with a toaster oven.

Still Better Than Arby’s

Still Better Than Arby’s


The hamburger is one of the greatest inventions in the history of ever. It combines the power of the ham with the delightful taste of the burger to make a unique dish. You can eat hamburgers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as you don’t mind pooping pure awesomeness — and blood. People who try to alter the fundamental form of the hamburger by adding vegetables or removing the ham part entirely, are completely out of their minds. It’s called a hamburger for a reason. A pizza without cheese and dough is just tomato sauce on a cardboard cutout. A Twinkie without nuclear-waste filling is just the worst diet shortcake in existence. A hamburger without ham is the most depressing sandwich imaginable. If you want to add vegetables to it you’re going against the way god and nature intended, and you should be shunned by polite society.

A hamburger is a big slice of meat, covered in cheese, and dipped in bacon. If you’re feeling really adventurous you can try adding ketchup, but I wouldn’t bother. Any condiments take away from the taste of pure manliness. If you want a vegetarian option, you’re out of luck. We only serve meat here. We’d get rid of the buns and sandwich the patty between two slightly larger patties if it didn’t cause contact blood clots.

Mmmmm — Unexplained Bacon

Mmmmm — Unexplained Bacon

Pork chops and bacon are my two favorite pig-based foods. I would add hot dogs to that list, but they have a lot more horse, kangaroo, and gerbil meat than pig.

I try to make every meal just a little bit better by adding bacon. I like to add bacon to burgers, salads, pizzas, and other strips of bacon. If I’m feeling fancy I’ll have caviar wrapped in bacon and bacon bits in my ice cream. Pesto pasta and bacon is almost as delicious as pork chops and bacon wrapped in bacon. The ultimate meal that anyone can make is steak tips wrapped in bacon inside of a cooked goose that is covered in bacon, which is then wrapped up in a slightly larger goose, wrapped in bacon, and then cooked inside of a large hog — that is also wrapped in bacon.

If you’re even in need of some cooking advice, or if you’re short an ingredient and don’t know what to use; bacon is always the answer.