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Category: food

À Bout De Soufflé

À Bout De Soufflé

I don’t know what could have possibly happened to make this guy so sad, but I’m sorry his loss.

If the video was in black and white and in French I would have assumed it was simply some garbage from La Nouvelle Vague and dismissed it immediately, but it’s obviously of the current times, so it demands my attention. Is he ashamed of his work? Is his wife sleeping with the milkman, and the mailman, and the garbage man, and the plumber, and the neighbor, and the other neighbor? Is his dog dead? There are so many things we may never know in our lifetime, but this weighs on me the heaviest.

Maybe they make him eat the food he cooks and that’s why he’s so depressed.

Mr. Teh Tarik The Thai Tea Toater

Mr. Teh Tarik The Thai Tea Toater

I know what you’re all thinking. “Why is that man hurling my tea around? I ordered that fifteen minutes ago. Someone tell him to stop; I don’t speak Thai. I should have just ordered a coffee, or gone to the Dunkin’ Donuts a block over. Someone’s not getting tipped.” Now try to calm yourself, this is a very common response.

If you look closely you’ll see that this man is doing a lot more than just molesting tea. He’s creating art. You’ll notice that they’ve laid some newspaper down over the back of the store to catch any loose tea. You’ll also notice that there appears to be a lot of loose tea flying around. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’d call this guy the Jackson Pollock of tea hurling. What an inspiration.

On the other hand, I’ll just have a glass of water if it’s all the same to you.

Do You Want Bananas With That?

Do You Want Bananas With That?

The new McDonald’s healthy choices menu is really getting out of hand. I don’t want real food, I go there to gorge myself on imitation hamburgers, freedom fries, and malk shakes. Real food is displayed on the dining table for a week then thrown out. That’s why I only want to eat phony food. I can buy ten burgers for ten dollars, and they’re still cheaper than laxatives. Taste better too.

Also, their staff leave a lot to be desired. They say the chimps add extra flavor, but I get all the flavor I want from dropping my burgers on the floor. I just don’t want any Ebola to go along with my mad cow disease. The flavors clash.

Mommy, This Apples Tastes Funny

Mommy, This Apples Tastes Funny

This kid has got a lot of heart. He knows that something is amiss but he powers on through. He’s made his decision and he’ll stick by it. There’s no point in giving up now, this is the sort of thing that comes back to haunt you. Like income taxes or a dead relative hovering over your bed, the unfinished onion will be in his dreams for weeks if not properly taken care of.

I’m sure that we don’t have to worry, he looks well on his way to finishing. With one heroic bite after another he’ll be done before you can say halitosis. Then he can go back to his playpen and feel utterly confident that he has achieved more than many men ever will.

Zesty.